I didn't find out until late in life that I was pretty severely abused as a child by my mother and sexually abused by my grandfather. I wasn't fully aware of this, but I believe that I became a really adept empath. I could sit next to somebody and tell you their life story. I could tell you exactly what they were feeling. I could tell you what they will say before they say it. But if you asked me what I felt, I would have no idea. I couldn’t name my emotions. I was only aware of feeling either happy or frustrated. There was no anger; there were no nuanced emotions. I don't believe I felt shame; I just felt happy or frustrated.
By the time I got out of a 15-year marriage to a kind man (we remain good friends to this day), I had hit rock bottom. He didn't cheat on me. There was no abuse. We were just not compatible as husband and wife. I lived in a sexless marriage for about ten years and would have conversation after conversation with him about needing intimacy, not sex. I would plead with him to kiss me on the neck or touch me as he walked by or sit next to me on the couch. And the last time we had that talk, he said, “I just don't think I can give you what you're asking for.”
At the end of my marriage, I honestly didn't know whether I wanted to be with men or women. I just knew that I wanted more. I just wasn't sure what that was. At 47, I felt undesirable and had no idea who would be interested in me.
I had heard about OMing and thought, “There's no way I'm ever going to do that.” The thought of lying there with no pants on, with my legs spread open, and with somebody looking at me was beyond the pale. I had never even looked at myself, and I didn’t really want to know what was down there. But after much hesitation and much gentle persuasion by an Orgasmic Meditation coach I had contacted, I decided (reluctantly) to check it out.
The coach explained everything in detail, exactly as it was going to happen. Eventually, I realized that anything that made me feel uncomfortable was probably something I needed to move toward instead of away from! I had been so sad for so long that I just wanted to say “Yes” to something new that would bring me closer to joy. After all, I was on a mission to see what was right to open myself up and work on myself. Frankly, I don't think you can really “get” Orgasmic Meditation until you do it—and maybe not even the first time. You can watch videos or have it described, but until you're lying in the nest, feeling that connection, you don't know.
The first time, I was so nervous and cold. My feet were freezing. I think all the blood was in my blushing face! I was scared, and I was shaking and numb. But when my stroker started touching me, I opened up and realized I was having lots of pleasurable sensations, which made me feel shameful! Later, I discovered these feelings came from my upbringing and all the shame I’d pushed away as a kid. But despite my shame and freezing feet, something profound happened in that first OM - Orgasmic Meditation. I felt anger for the first time and thought, “This is mine! Nobody gets to judge this!”
After that first OM—Orgasmic Meditation, I got into the practice. There's something that you get from OMing. It's just a really beautiful, safe container in which to experience yourself and experience connection. I have no idea how else you could experience that. Looking back, before that first OM - Orgasmic Meditation, it felt like I had been sleepwalking, moving through the world doing what I should do, serving others but never myself.
That was one of the first big things I got out of Orgasmic Meditation. It’s like what they say on the airplane about putting your own oxygen mask on first before you help others. After I started OMing and experiencing pleasure for myself, I exuded joy and light--people could see it. There was a lightness and a light about me, and I felt it all the time.
It was a combination of opening up and becoming more in touch with myself and my feminine nature, which is my birthright. All my life, I had been taught to deny so much that I had veered into being more masculine, taking charge, and being the analytical ballbuster. With OM—Orgasmic Meditation, I became a softer person, and I liked it. I realized that because I had served and served and didn't serve myself, I had to put on that masculine persona to armor myself.
After I started Orgasmic Meditation, I started serving myself. I started taking care of myself and realized how beautiful, desirable, and special I was and that anybody who chose me or whom I chose as a partner would be really fortunate.
I started OMing with a new partner, and my body responded like crazy. I stopped believing that at 47 years old, having incredible intimacy in life was impossible. I signed up for online dating and discovered it was fine being a plus-size curvy woman. I stopped putting men in a box, thinking they only liked and wanted skinny perfect bodies. I met my current husband, who is mad crazy for me and who loves my body and all the rest of me. Even if we're sitting, talking, listening to music, he's massaging my feet and hands—not because he feels like he has to, but because he loves to touch me.
Orgasmic Meditation allowed me to look deeply at things that I hadn't looked at before—things that held me back, things I had been denying, beliefs about myself, and general belief systems that weren't mine. Orgasmic Meditation is like a mirror you hold up that says, “This is you, and look at how beautiful you are. Look at how much you can feel.”
