Ten years ago, every weekend, I used to get my makeup done—full face, full lash, very glamorous—and go clubbing in London. I was sexy and glamorous, yet I was a “good girl,” a feral star who did charity work.
It was a good show. But I didn’t have a healthy relationship with my sexuality. I was quite destructive. I was entitled and angry with men. I was very controlled and attached to my victimhood as a woman. I didn't know how to assess my feelings or tell a man what was happening inside me and what I needed. All I knew to do was fight or pretend to be broken. Which meant I felt desperately unseen.
Before my first OM—Orgasmic Meditation session, I ran a nonprofit and coached in prisons and Haiti, all in very dark and heavy spaces. I went to the most intense places to be of service, and people always said, “Well done, you're doing great!” But I was completely neglecting myself in the process. I had to have my specialness and look important and externally valuable. But inside, my soul was dying.
I heard about Orgasmic Meditation from a friend working to help bring the practice to the UK. I didn't understand what it was. I just heard about it and felt that this was for me. I could taste the freedom in that one conversation. But I was so disconnected from my desire, suppressing so much of who I am, that instead of getting into OM, I fell into yet one more dysfunctional relationship with a man where I tortured myself for a year and a half, never speaking up and getting my needs met. One day, I was in my office when a woman from OM called. We ended up having this completely frank conversation in the middle of the office. By the end, I decided, “I’m in!”
I don't remember much from my first OM. I was expecting mountains to be moved. But I think what I received was just a subtle sense of opening—just a second’s glimpse at what it was bringing up in me. I recall feeling super turned on, alive, and electric when I left. I went to a party after that, telling everyone about that experience. And everyone wanted to know more. I even told my mother about it!
One of my first breakthroughs was meeting a guy in a class. I liked him and became instantly obsessed with him. I remember one of the trainers talking to me about it, gently suggesting, “What if it isn't about him? What if this practice is just about you?” It made me confront my preferences over who I wanted to practice with and why.
In my first six months of practicing Orgasmic Meditation, I noticed I would often lie there quietly, angry and entitled, not getting the exact stroke I wanted. I would feel the need for something different but not ask for it, thinking, “Oh, God, I'm going to inconvenience this person if I ask for an adjustment.” Or I could ask and not worry about whether it would happen. Learning to open up to asking for my desires was amazing.
Another huge lesson came from this older man, who I automatically disliked. He always asked me to OM with him, and I finally did because my whole body was going, “Yes!” I had to find out why my mind was so resistant. When we did the practice, it was so intense and enjoyable. I was so mad that it felt so good and deeply amused. I finally had to accept that my inner journey was about learning to be opened by life while accepting that it was bigger than my desire to control it.
In the past, it was only okay to feel certain things. I was completely missing out on life’s banquet of different feelings. Today, I’ve noticed how much more I can handle in my life and how much more willing I have become to go into discomfort and pain and get free. For example, I was pulled to have a relationship with a man that made no sense. He was in New York, and I was in London. But I was sure it was right. And I could be honest and vulnerable and sit with how uncomfortable being honest and vulnerable was. And I felt the freedom that came from that. I grew immensely in that relationship.
The other day, I watched videos of myself from back when I was in the makeup and party scene, and I can see that I speak and act very differently now. I'm deeply grateful that I can take a stand for this profound way of living and power. That I can speak from my body and the depth of my being. I’m grateful that, for the first time, I see that men are so amazing. And that’s because I’ve taken the time to see myself—to see the amazing qualities in me.
