My parents are super conservative, and I grew up with a lot of Catholic shame and guilt. I attended Catholic school until college and was taught that sex is for marriage and that you don't talk about those things. It was just a lot of shame, shame, shame that was ingrained into me at a young age. I also had a rough history with men in general around verbal and sexual abuse.
I thought everything would be amazing once I went to college because I would finally be out of Catholic school and living away from my parents. I thought it would be freedom! But instead, I found so many ways to keep myself tightly constricted, particularly with my body. I would only allow myself tightly controlled portions of certain foods at certain times. At the grocery store, I would see something I wanted, such as ice cream, and then keep myself from it.
I deeply craved intimacy and vulnerability; I wanted to connect deeply with the people around me. I could feel that I had lots going on inside me, but I had no idea how to verbalize it. If something upset me, I would blow it off and say nothing. I was so blocked in my relationships that I couldn't be present. And I couldn't initiate anything, especially in the bedroom. I could lie there and be made love to, but when asked to do something intimate for my partner, I’d freeze.
My best friend's mom had been in the Orgasmic Meditation practice for a long time, and I was about 20 years old when I saw something about it on YouTube. I didn’t know what I was watching, but it looked incredible. All the people looked so alive and electric; I wanted to try it. So, I signed up for an intro class.
My first OM (Orgasmic Meditation) was all butterflies and cold chills. I buzzed myself up to this guy’s apartment, and we had this awkward little exchange, and then we just jumped into the practice. In the first half, I was so nervous that I couldn’t really let myself feel anything. But then I relaxed into it. I turned off my brain, closed my eyes, and felt an overwhelming electric sensation from my head to my toes. Afterward, we shared frames of our experience, and I felt myself getting nervous again.
I made up something that sounded like what I should say. I usually would have gotten away with it, but he said something like, “Wait, you’re not being real. You can just be honest.” And I was amazed at what was happening. He could tell, just listening to me, that I had scripted what I was saying in my head instead of being authentic. That was the first time I dropped into my body and authentically named a sensation I had been feeling.
During the first few OMs, I didn't make adjustments. I made them in my head and didn't say them out loud. I was shocked that the world hadn't burned down when I started speaking to them. It was so powerful, saying exactly what I wanted, exactly what would feel better in the moment. But it took a lot of OMs to get there.
Today, I am comfortable in my body. I can recognize what my body wants and let myself have it. I can lean into discomfort, tell people when something hurts me, and ask for what I want. I let my feelings guide me. I won’t shrink or make myself smaller to be more comfortable. I’m more willing to let myself be open and honest, particularly in places where I might have stayed quiet. Regardless of the outcome, I’m willing to have a real, authentic conversation.
Since starting Orgasmic Meditation, I’ve also healed my relationship with men. I’ve deliberately chosen to have strokers that are both men and women because I realized I had so many issues with men. Getting into the nest, opening my legs, and then noticing what comes up has been incredibly potent. At first, I was always super nervous to open myself up in that vulnerable way to a man. It was very, very charged. But eventually, I realized that my issues with men had nothing to do with the men I was OMing with. I was projecting my own history of abuse and frustration onto them.
Before Orgasmic Meditation, a man could look at me in a specific way on the street, and I would cover my face and walk away. Then, I would spend an hour brooding, texting my friends about how entitled men are and blah blah blah. Now, I work with this guy, my biggest trigger ever. I can recognize that I'm triggered and choose to look at him with love. When we're connected, we can talk about what’s going on.
When it comes right down to it, the practice of Orgasmic Meditation is about intimacy. Today, I am super open and can share intimately not only the sensations in my body but also my desires and thoughts, which I never thought were possible when I was younger.
