The last 12 years of my marriage were very strained because of my business and other obligations. I became more and more hidden, more and more confused about who I was, less and less connected to my partner. The longing for more connection became a central struggle. Somewhere in that time, I lost connection to my wife and my emotions. Nothing could really impact me emotionally. Sex dwindled to the point of pure shallow obligation. Her total lack of interest in me and sharing my life as a partner drove me to decide I needed to get a divorce.
I moved out. In so many ways, I viewed this as an act of violence—the destruction of something I valued. I had also let myself go physically, so I started walking every day and listening to audiobooks. One was a nonfiction book called The Naughty 90s, which recounted the story of the sexual revolution of the 90s. In the end, the book talked about Orgasmic Meditation (OM). I was instantly attracted to the thought of OM, so much so that I did something I almost never do—I stopped my walk and wrote a note on my phone saying, “Orgasmic Meditation.” When I got home, I looked up the contact information online, called, and left my phone number.
At about the same time, I discovered from my daughter that my ex-wife had decided to do something outrageously off the charts. She had flown to England to watch a soccer game. I was so impressed and proud of her for doing something outrageous; I was inspired. So when someone from the company that taught Orgasmic Meditation (OM) called me back, I jumped in with both feet.
In my first Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I opened myself completely to the whole experience of doing my best to keep my mind free of preconceptions. I got into the nest and stared down and described what I saw—a woman’s genitals laid open and butterflied in front of me. I did not feel intimidated—I've been a fan of clitorises my whole adult life. I was just filled with curiosity about what would happen. The first stroke was electric. It was such an amazing moment. It wasn't sex; it was something else. My body was not aroused. It was like a direct connection with another person in a way that was beyond my experience. As that first OM proceeded, I felt so much joy in that new form of connection.
As my Orgasmic Meditation practice blossomed and grew, I learned that the connection part is so much more important than the structural part. I learned that I could let my intuition lead me. At first, I thought there were certain areas you could stroke and certain areas you couldn't stroke. Eventually, I discovered that letting my finger and intuition do whatever they most wanted to do almost always led to a better sense of connection and a better sense of being in the moment.
I went from timid to exhibiting a comfortable and strong presence in my finger and its path. I studied the reactions of my partners, feeling what they were feeling. I realized how much I'd lost touch with my emotions and how hungry I was to get back to the ability to cry and feel the full spectrum of different emotions. As I explored, I grew more confident in the other-worldly connection I felt with various OM partners.
One Orgasmic Meditation session, in particular, was rather shattering. As I stroked, I felt pain in my jaw growing like a toothache. The sensation was almost too much, and then my partner asked me to stop stroking, which I did. Then we continued when she was ready, and the sensations were intense. As her body suddenly loosened and opened, the pain of a toothache in my mouth faded. Later, she described herself as floating out of her body. After that OM, I felt so much more in my body. I felt I had broken through something. I felt I had reached a point where I knew what Orgasmic Meditation was really about.
Since then, I have OMed more than 250 times, reaching levels of connection that were so intense that they have carried over into me feeling connected to other people outside my OM partners. My sense of adventure and willingness to take risks has grown. I am cognizant of my own desires and don’t feel guilty about wanting what I want. I feel so much more liberated in my life. I've abandoned a lot of notions of having to do this and that, surrendering to recognizing that what's right comes to me when I am the most me as opposed to some fabricated ideal me. As a result, I can offer myself in ways that are more genuine and less reserved.
I surrendered my ideas about how long it would take to find a partner. I surrendered my ideas of how that partner would look, how equal that partner would be financially to me, how liberated she would be, and how close she would be. I wanted a partnership, and now that has happened. I feel extremely fulfilled now. But I can't imagine having the level of partnership I currently have without having been through Orgasmic Meditation and gaining the understanding I gained.
