My whole life has always been this sort of start-stop thing. Whenever a desire was met, I would get anxious and self-sabotage. I wasn't aware that I was doing that. But I knew something was going on, and I was getting in my way. When it came to relationships, I was conditioned, thinking in terms of getting dates, then becoming more physical and sexual, and finally going into a relationship. But I never got that far. There wasn't the connection I wanted on dating apps, and I would never get anywhere.
By age 26, I had not had a single intimate relationship. I experienced a lack of trust and safety just being with people, and there was a lot of shame and guilt around my sexuality. Overall, I was very much in my head and very focused on achievement in the world. I had landed a great-paying job as a management consultant. Never mind, I was missing a sense of connection in other areas of my life. The job that I took let me check off a few boxes. I had a good job that looked good and had a good salary. I knew intuitively it was going to be unhealthy and not a job that I would ultimately benefit from or feel good about, but it was a job that made me feel a sense of achievement.
The job also helped me relax a little about life, and I could start having a more normal dating experience. I had sex for the first time. But there was no sense of a real relationship. We connected sexually, and that was it. She was younger than me and couldn’t express her feelings or open up. I wanted her to feel safe, but I didn't know what was happening with her. The whole thing showed me that I had crossed a threshold, which felt good. But it wasn’t what I truly wanted.
By the time I was 30, I felt like I was drowning in my job and knew I needed to quit. So, I left my job and booked a 10-day scuba diving trip to Belize. That was a huge turning point. Being in the ocean, just its slowness and softness opened me up to a release. I wanted to be like the ocean. I found myself crying and drawing and writing poetry, and everything I drew came out as birds. I saw myself as a bird at the edge of a cliff, wanting to follow my inner compass, telling me, “You must fly.”
It wasn’t long after that trip that I met a woman through a meetup I had found online, and she told me about Orgasmic Meditation. Even though she went into the details of the practice, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. How could a man stroking a woman’s genitals for 15 minutes be in a meditation? Whatever it was, I was sure I wouldn't get it. I remember not even being curious enough actually to Google it. But then, during another phone conversation, she mentioned an upcoming class, and I realized “I can explore things. I'm looking for an opening. Why not?”
In my first Orgasmic Meditation, I was very nervous. I didn't even know which hand to use, and I was completely not present with my body until my partner asked me if I was ok. And then I realized I was holding a tightness all through my body. I couldn't relax into it because I was so out of my comfort zone. But after about my third OM session, everything opened up. I remember randomly partnering with a woman who was around 70 years old—a person I would ordinarily see as a grandma. And here I was, having this very positive, enjoyable, physical connection with her.
I didn't understand how that was even possible until I realized, “Oh! It's not about the person or my interaction. It's the connection that’s important.” After that, I literally asked anyone to OM. I didn't care what they looked like or who they were. I just went all in with the practice. And that opened up a lot of confronting things in terms of my concept of life.
I started feeling a lot of grief, sadness, pain, and fear. I had dread around a few traumas in my life, which I hadn’t been present with when they happened. I realized I was actually kind of paranoid and had little trust in people. For example, I practiced Orgasmic Meditation with five women in two weeks, and it just completely rocked my world. It didn't make sense to me why they were OMing with me. At first, I couldn’t trust what was happening— they just wanted to connect with me.
When I cried during an OM, my partners would say, “It's beautiful to see you cry,” and I assumed they were just saying that to make me feel better because I used to have so many trust issues! When I am there for someone while they cry, I know how reverent I am of that experience and that they likely felt the same way toward me.
Today, I have a completely different way of relating to the world. Rather than being lost in my head, I’m more tethered to reality. I experience a lot of body sensations just in my day-to-day life. When I’m writing or listening to music, the tears often come, and I have a feeling of being in my heart, viscerally experiencing something new, deep, and very real. The past feels like I was watching TV in black and white, and suddenly everything became color. When I cry during an OM, I can allow it and know the other person will not judge me.
Orgasmic Meditation has shown me that trying to be in control is useless. There's so much more power in just letting go. Obviously, it’s been a gradual process, but once this shift happened, I could go deeper into my emotions and be messy. I could have a connection.
Not long after this shift occurred, I met my current girlfriend. Even though we lived far apart at first, we had deep conversations in which I was totally myself with her early on. I was able to listen and create a space for her to fully express herself as well, which led to feeling connected despite the distance. Now, we're about to get engaged—which is what I’ve always wanted.
I've gotten to an intimate, truly mindful place of being and realize I have a strong feminine aspect. I'm adept at navigating life in a feminine way, but I’d always hidden it—pretty much like most men. And my feminine side shows up in so many ways, like in my creativity. Being in my feminine is a strength and a power, not a weakness. Being vulnerable, honest, and authentic is attractive and makes the connection deeper.
Orgasmic Meditation represents love in the world—unconditional and sorely needed love.
