I stayed with my husband for so long because he was a bit of a caretaker. I chose him because he was the person I needed to nurture and nourish me. My parents didn’t set any boundaries with me as a kid. They didn’t teach me to stick up for myself and say no because they said yes to everything. They said yes to a tattoo at 15 if I said I didn’t want to go to school.
It seemed great, but it was a disturbing boundarylessness. And then, if something went wrong, I’d fall into a crazy state of despair. I didn’t have a backbone. I struggled with the workload at university, so I just stopped doing the work. This eventually led to a nervous breakdown. After I split from my husband of nine years, I went into hibernation. My niece would visit and say, “Auntie Jocelyn, why are you so sleepy?” I knew I needed to do something.
When I had my first Orgasmic Meditation, it didn’t feel sexual in the way I thought it would. The container gave a clear, defined boundary; my vigilance dropped. There was no pressure to have it go a certain way or do it again with the same person. In my first couple of OMs, I couldn’t make any adjustments. It was as if my voice was frozen. But that cleared quickly, and then I could give direction. This helped me learn to ask for what I want and not worry whether that’s good or bad for the other person. I very soon had a greater sense of confidence and belief in myself. There was a sense of expression everywhere. In a meeting at work, if someone cut in, I’d say, “Actually, this is what I meant.” And we’d clear it up rather than them thinking I’d said something I hadn’t.
The feelings I get in Orgasmic Meditation translate into how I deal with life when it’s not running smoothly. In the same way, when things happen that would have upset me before, or I’d have tried to resist them, I now lean in. I give myself approval to feel the upset, and it passes faster than I thought it would. It flows through me and doesn’t get stuck as it does when I try to block it or squash it down.
