Growing up, I was pretty shy and reserved. I had a hard time connecting with people, and I was numb to my emotions. My strategy for dealing with life was: if something made me feel bad, I just gave myself internal pep talks until I stopped feeling that way. I’d create a plan to address whatever weakness was in me so that I would never have to feel that bad again.
I had a lot of pain and confusion around relationships, especially with women. I wanted to break free from my shyness and learn how to connect. I found out about Orgasmic Meditation from an old high school buddy after I moved back to Austin, Texas. I was flailing about, trying to learn how to meet women and how to connect. Jeff had started OMing, and I noticed a big difference in his demeanor. He was not the same guy that I knew back in high school! Back then, he was very similar to me, kind of awkward and a little bit unsure of himself. But the new Jeff was much more confident, bold even, saying whatever thing needed to be said. He also talked about how his personal life had basically transformed and that he was having fulfilling relationships. So I asked him, “Okay, what’s going on here?” And he told me about OM and invited me to an event to learn more.
The people who were regular OM practitioners had a really amazing quality of attention. They were incredibly open and displayed a sense of aliveness I’d never seen before. It definitely was different from the typical party scene I was used to. The more I thought about it, the more drawn to the practice I was. It wasn’t long before I learned to OM. From there, it just kind of took off.
I think the most notable change I’ve experienced since learning to OM is that I have a deeper access to my emotions—and access to a much wider range of emotions. Before OM, I basically tried to stick to the positive emotions, and I was very avoidant of any kind of doubt or negativity. I was also very heady and logical. I feel like OM has given me a much richer experience of living. Even the down moments I now experience as beautiful occurrences. The feeling of melancholy, the feeling of longing … there's something beautiful, deep and rich there, just as much as when I'm hyped up and pumped. I’m sensitive to all the emotions in between, too. Even the way I experience the changing of the seasons, being in a new city and feeling the vibes of the people around me, or the way I experience art—it’s all different. In the past, I never used to be able to cry during movies or TV, but now that I can feel the emotional richness of the story, that’s changed.
In terms of my interactions with people, especially women, I’m much more confident because I actually have access to what's going on within me. I can feel the emotion of the moment between me and the other person. It just makes relationships a richer, more intense experience. I don't feel so lost anymore. To use the analogy of a meal, it's like now I'm noticing and appreciating the flavors and textures more.
I think the real breakthrough came with one woman I OMed with. There was tension in our relationship at the time. I had messed up, and we didn’t have a chance to talk about it before we OMed. We were in the middle of a heated text exchange, and the whole thing came to a climax. Prior to that OM, whenever I was OMing, it was very hard for me to feel sensation in my body, specifically my torso. I would get into and stay in a kind of “head high.” But that day, because there was so much tension between us, the intensity of the OM broke through and suddenly I could feel both her energy and mine. I can't remember the exact sensations, but I could feel something in my body responding.
Learning the wisdom of masculine and feminine connection and relating has been profound. Expressing my vulnerability and my emotions and having them be met with approval has very much enriched my life and my relationships. The practice has also deepened my ability to focus. In the past, I've tried sitting meditation, and for two minutes I'd be able to concentrate on my breath. Then, the rest of the time, my head would be off and filled with random thoughts. But with stroking, as the time passes, I just get more and more focused and tuned in, as opposed to more and more dissipated and spaced out. The difference is so profound, it always shocks me. I no longer carelessly do things. Now, I'm way more present in every moment. And that is just delicious.