The Little Push into Maturity

by Julian

I think the best thing that can ever happen to any of us is to realize just how much we don’t know.  What set me on the journey to OM was the realization that I had been an immature, ignorant individual for far too long. I had prolonged my own adolescence a decade or two more than necessary, and I had hurt other people with my recklessness.  Worst of all, I had stayed stuck. 

I’ll always be strangely grateful for the realization of how bad things had become.

What did I want to transform?  You name it.  I wanted a different understanding of myself – my masculinity, my humanity, my sexuality, my desire, and how all of that related to the spirituality I knew I was missing.  I wanted to connect to the feminine in a healthy way, something I had never been able to do.  I had thought I understood women and my relation to them, but it was increasingly evident I had no clue.  As I told a friend one day, I’d been scratching the surface of an already shallow life for far too long. Something needed to give.

I heard about OM through friends, and I watched some of the videos online. I was intrigued.  I was also eager, and though I felt a little anxiety about the OM itself, the excitement and curiosity won out.  The first few OMs are a bit of a blur to me now.  I didn’t have a “road to Damascus'' moment at any point; there was no one single instant of enlightenment.  What I did experience was heat.  My partner’s body got hot, and my body got hot, and everything around us was hot.  This wasn’t the typical warmth of sexual arousal; this was something much more powerful and also much more surrounding and pervasive.  There were a couple of instances where my skin felt like it was starting to burn, and I almost panicked.  I kept with it, though, and I didn’t burst into flame.  Instead, my capacity to hold onto that heat grew and grew.  It surprised me.  I hadn’t been the sort of guy who could handle that much intensity before.

On the larger level, the most significant gift I received from OM was a far deeper engagement with my own masculinity. I realized that though I’d been an adult for years, I still thought and acted like a boy in so many ways.  I didn’t have a good framework for understanding healthy masculine power, and I had no idea how to live into that in my own life.  By meeting the feminine in the OM practice, I found these reserves of integrity and strength within me I had no idea existed.  That heat I felt in the OMs was burning away a shell, or a veil of some sort, that was keeping that courage and calm hidden away. 

It wasn’t just the OMs themselves that connected me to this more integrated, actualized masculinity.  It was the men I met through the practice, who modeled for me a different way of being male in this world.  It was the women too; a turned-on woman gives a man the great gift of showing him where his energy is needed.  My boyishness hadn’t just manifested in making reckless decisions; it had been in large part about being feeling aimless.  OM helped me find purpose. 

Before I came to OM, I was very easily distracted.  I don’t know if I was clinically ADHD, but I was close. I had a hard time paying attention to things, and an even harder time staying in the present. I spent so much time being morose about the past and worrying about the future – or trying to amuse and numb myself so I wouldn’t have to think about either my mistakes or my worries.  OM starts with these incredibly small details, like focusing on a single quadrant of a clitoris and paying attention to the specifics of the container.  It teaches you to respond to adjustments, even the smallest ones.  You learn to intuit what works and adapt quickly if what you intuited turns out to be wrong.  Fifteen minutes is not a long time for most things, but until OM, I’d never held focus for even half that much time.

I’m an adult today. I act my age, not in a stereotypical or dull way, either.  I act like a man who has lived a full life and has much more living to do.  I have purpose and focus, and I have the kind of real friends you get when you’re the kind of person who can show up consistently for the people in your life.  Would I have found all this without OM?  It’s possible.  All I know is that this practice gave me a doorway to maturity I might never have otherwise found or walked through.  I’m grateful – and so is just about everyone who knew me before, and is still around to see the difference.

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