Seeing That What I Wanted Was In Front of Me

by Lalen Nishigori

Before I discovered OM, I was living in a constant state of seeking something that would make me feel whole, connected, and in touch with myself and others. I could never seem to understand how a real connection with other people worked or what it felt like. I was a young man, trying to find my way in life, and my whole focus was on this image I had of how my life should look.

I approached everything from a place of searching for what would give me a feeling of satiation, of completeness, of being grounded and totally myself. But those constructs I had built in my mind, those expectations, didn’t ever let me find it. I always thought I had to be this idealized version of myself to feel worthy and valuable, and to be accepted by the people I admired. If I could finally just feel like I was enough in the eyes of someone else, I would finally feel okay in my own skin. I started behaving like this in high school, because that was when I first began to feel the weight of being responsible for my life and having to make my own decisions.

I started asking myself what I was going to do with my life. I thought about becoming a scientist, or going into the medical field. My dad wasn’t much involved in my life, and my friends weren’t really either when it came to making these big life decisions. My mom was anxious for me because she wanted me to do what everyone else was doing, go to college to get a degree, and then after that, go out and figure out what it was I wanted to do with my life. I went to college for two and a half years, then I left and began engaging in spiritual healing practices, breathwork, outside the box things like that. Leaving college and letting go of that goal was freeing to me, but it also left me feeling stressed because I had not been engaging honestly in my relationship with my mom. I wanted to focus on the spiritual stuff.

About two years into college, I had gotten out of a relationship, when it hit me how much I craved intimacy. I was 20 at the time, and one Friday evening, I saw something about Orgasmic Meditation online, and it looked interesting. When I first entered the room to see it in practice, I thought “Wow, this is the thing I’ve been looking for.” I signed up for the course and it was unlike anything I had experienced before. It took time for me to digest what I was experiencing and what was occurring. It was a rush!

I recall my attention going toward this one person, who I then asked to OM by text message. We met at my place and there was so much going through my mind at the time, with the anticipation of actually doing this for the first time myself. We were both very nervous. My partner arrived and I had set up the nest in my room. We had some conversation, and she was shy when it came time for her to remove her pants. We got comfortable in the nest I had created. I felt very grounded, but could tell my partner was nervous, even though she appeared calm on the outside. 

The first half of the experience, we both had a lot of anticipation for the first seven to eight minutes, and the second half of the OM, we finally both sunk into our bodies, and the nervousness dissipated. At that point, we were totally present for what we were experiencing. Then, when the OM session ended, she got dressed and we made a plan for the next OM session. She went home. I recall feeling so in my own flesh when it was over, so in touch with my own body.

I wanted to continue going deeper into the practice, and really seeing where it led. About six months in, I had a really memorable session. We got into the nest and began the steps, and there was such intense electricity that I had my finger just hovering over her clitoris almost the entire time, and in the last two minutes I slowly applied grounded pressure, and the electricity just buzzed for both of us. 

On another occasion, I had a partner over my place to OM, and there were others home at the time. I remember before my partner climaxed, I felt vigilant because of my roommates being there. I stayed present with the stroking and how I was feeling, while also being aware that my partner was feeling vigilant with people nearby. It was a balancing act, honoring the stroke while knowing my partner was aware of others being around. That experience stands out because it showed me that not all OM experiences are the same or monotonous, and that you never really know how things will go until you put your finger on the clitoris and stroke. With this situation, my mind could not have calculated how the stroke should go. I just had to stay present and see what wanted to happen.

My life took a different turn when I had to deal with some intense personal issues and I stepped away from the OMing for a while, but now have re-engaged. For me, it’s all about letting go and experiencing being fully present while OMing, and being in the flow of things and not thinking too much about it, or analyzing everything. It definitely helped me grow in my other spiritual practices, too, because it helped me just be there, and be present to what was happening, and not have to mentally configure everything going on in other areas of my life. 

Once I found OM, I was able to start loosening the restrictions and letting go of the constructs and ideas of what I thought I wanted, and really let myself recognize that everything I wanted was already in front of me. This was especially true when it came to engaging with other people. I wanted to be someone who is of service to others.

Now I realize it is also about adjustments during OM, and making adjustments that are brought to my attention, to get more connected with the people who are giving the adjustments. I may notice the friction, or coming up against a barrier, and my partner gives me these adjustments, and how, when I drop into that, I feel more connected to my partner. That is a lesson I notice in my everyday life, too, the adjustments I need to make and how to integrate them. 

I feel more engaged now with my partner, where she might ask me for an upstroke, or something comes up and we address it, and she may say things that feel very vulnerable or raw, but we talk and engage and it allows me to not brush off her concerns and connect with her right where she is at. That is an amazing feeling, to be able to connect with a partner right where they are at, and how the stroking allows us to go there. 

I wake up now and feel my feelings and I don’t allow my mind to run the whole show, and it’s not all about the destination all the time, but surrendering to the moment of where I am at, day to day. 

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