I was the archetypal 45-year-old virgin before I came to OM. I wasn’t a virgin in the literal sense, but I felt like one in every classic respect. I was a year out of a 22-year relationship that had been as loveless as it was soul-crushing. I was lonely, and I was desperate.
The ex with which I’d spent half my life wasn’t a bad person. I didn’t blame her then, and I don’t blame her now. We both came from backgrounds where we weren’t given tools to understand what it was to give or receive love. We spent two decades trying to love each other and failing, two decades hiding in the other’s shadow. Other people might have ended things after a few months, when it was clear it wasn’t working. We didn’t have the tools to say goodbye, so we dragged things out for most of our adult lives.
I had always been faithful, throughout those 22 years. Newly single, at last, I knew nothing about what it meant to be intimate with a woman. I had no clue how to meet someone, or even have a conversation that advanced beyond pleasantries. I had strong values, and I didn’t want something transitory and meaningless. This was why I felt like a virgin, and why I struggled with so much self-loathing and desperation.
I didn’t give up, though. I went online and started looking for any groups that mentioned intimacy or connection. I was particularly interested in anything that sounded safe, as I was terrified. I can’t remember how Orgasmic Meditation was described in the online notice, but it caught my attention. I summoned up my courage and went to an introductory event. From the time I sat down in the room, I was in awe. Here were all these people talking so freely about intimacy, and they spoke without fear of judgment or condemnation. I could feel how empowered the men and women around me felt, and I wanted what they had with every fiber of my being. After that initial introduction, I took the leap and signed up to learn how to OM.
For someone like me, there’s a paradox at the heart of OM. The OM itself is this incredibly intimate practice, but it’s something about which everyone was so open—not quite nonchalant, but not timid, either. At first, I just didn’t believe such a thing was possible, much less in 15-minute increments. I’d wanted to connect with others for so long; it was incredible to think that this could be the way.
It took me a very long time to relax into the structure of the OM. It has always been hard for me to find a comfortable position in the nest. In a way, though, that physical discomfort has stopped bothering me – because it’s a reminder that just beyond that ache in my back or the numbness in my foot is this incredible connection. The reminder of my own awkwardness increases my gratitude and wonder at the whole process. From the start, what I loved about OM was that I could feel my shame, anger, and resentment all slip away, along with my fears. The deeper we go into the OM, the more free I become.
Sometimes, when people would share with me about their OMs, they would mention that they had felt these remarkable tinglings in their bodies. Men would vividly describe energies and warmths they felt in their chests. At first, it made me feel a bit inadequate because I didn’t experience anything quite like that. Maybe I was doing it wrong after all! Finally, I got the courage to share something that had happened for me in an OM. “She asked for more,” I shared at an OM event. “It was incredible.”
That single “more” was perfect for me. It was exactly what I needed. Until that moment, no woman had ever wanted “more” from me. I explained to the room why it was so impactful to hear that single word, and I felt so much empathy and affirmation from everyone there.
OM is more than a practice, or a tool. It’s been a gateway into a completely different way of living. As vital as the stroking is, the intimacy and human warmth I find with others on this path means even more. I have found an actual community now, in my fellow OMers, in a way that I never had before. I have let go of decades of loneliness, ineptitude, and self-loathing. I wish more people could find what I have been so fortunate to find!