Learning to be Honest

by Naresh Kumar Anga

I moved to the US when I was 28. But to get married I went back to India to find a wife. This was the first time I had a woman in my life, and the relationship only lasted for three months. She was a very expressive woman, she had a lot of dreams and desires. I didn’t think I could keep up with fulfilling them. It’s like a dance where you move in step with one another, and that was very challenging for me. She was the first woman to see behind the usual mask I wore, pretending to be powerful and in control. We quickly withdrew from each other. After three months I bought a ticket and sent her back to India, promising that I would bring her back to the States. But I never brought her back. We had an ugly separation. It was very hard for me financially, and she was devastated because she was so full of dreams about making it in America.

I definitely couldn’t go into a new relationship how I was, and I knew I needed to try to work on myself and change, so I started going to meetups in Phoenix. One day people talked about OM, and I immediately wanted to know more. The very next day I signed up for a class.

The first time I OMed, I cried. I thought it might be about getting something from another human being, but when I experienced OM I realized it was about getting to know about myself and how to create a connection. OMing was a huge challenge for me because initially I didn't even know what I was feeling inside. Even if I did feel something, I couldn't express how I was feeling. I faked so many things, so many times, saying what I had heard other people say. But slowly, slowly, I tuned into my body and started paying attention to the process, how her genitals were being affected, how her body was reacting, how the breathing was changing. 

At first I thought there were things that I needed to say and ways I needed to perform to make an orgasm happen. But finally I realized that was my old story, thinking how things should be. I realized OM is a whole process and not a straightforward thing, and orgasm was not limited to a climax occurring. There were no expectations for me other than being with that process. Now I am relaxed and can be intimately present in OM and also in relationships with women. I can be more honest about who I am and what I can offer. 

I have also started being honest with my family members, and more trusting with my friends. My relationships with men have opened up and I am developing friendships. There is an intimate part of me that is opening up and learning to listen. I’ve started reading books. I’ve started meditation and yoga. I’ve started writing and journaling. I’m developing more and more tools, and how I'm looking at the world is changing. I now have a lot of love and abundance in life.

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