by Tiff Lin
I was born in Taiwan and lived there with my grandmother before I came to New Jersey and met the rest of my family when I was three. I had a sister and brother and didn't really see my parents together a lot because my father was working in China all through my childhood. So, there were not any models for deep connection and intimacy or consistent attention.
I was always the good girl, getting good grades and I kept to myself. I was definitely a crier and felt really emotionally sensitive. But I was also a tomboy. People used to confuse me and my brother a lot because he was actually more feminine and I was more boisterous. Frankly, I didn't really have a concept of gender. I was just being myself. There were definitely instances growing up where my mom wanted me to be more like a lady. Even after I left home she'd leave me voicemails on my phone like, “Be like a lady and less like a man. Okay? Bye.”
My 20s were a blur of existence. I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to feel like I was missing out on something, so I was hooking up with a lot of random men. I didn't know why I couldn't stop. I always felt really weird afterward like they were taking something from me. I think I just hoped to find someone who could help me or fix me. I wasn’t aware of really being in my body, or of feeling anything fully. I was 27 and had never done anything with a man except perform for him.
I moved to China for three years to work for my father and had my first relationship with a woman there. She was in Taiwan, so it was a long distance relationship that lasted for a year. The intimacy and passion were more intense than with men, but I still had a hard time letting myself go. It was so easy for her and I would think, “Wow, this is beautiful!” And I would receive pleasure just giving pleasure, which was enough until it wasn't. Eventually I got tired of always being in the giving position. At the same time I wasn’t very forthcoming. I didn’t let her in. I think she really wanted me to trust her enough to talk about the pain and insecurity and the levels of unhappiness I was experiencing living in China and working for my father. But I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone someone else.
When a friend got married in San Francisco, I flew over and stayed. I've always been of the mindset that I'm going to live my life how I'm going to live it. I didn't have a queer community on the East Coast growing up, and living in China I was completely closeted. Moving to San Francisco inspired a healthy gender exploration. I think I got into OM because I just didn't want to feel so alone. I was looking for community and something—I wasn’t sure what. So when a guy I met told me about Orgasmic Meditation, I went for it. Here was a practice that would allow me to practice receiving!
After I started OM, I put a lot or pressure on myself to climax, and think it was eight months before I actually felt the finger on my clitoris in an OM—really felt it. And it felt like three cups of coffee rushing through me. Slowly I began to let go the pressure to reach climax and placed more attention on feeling the sensations. Finally, one session I experienced different ranges of pressure and speed in so many different places and it unlocked something. I just broke down and sobbed realizing how extremely complex I was and how I didn’t have to hold on to so much anymore. I had this powerful release where I was being transmuted and lifted and optimized. All the ancestral shame I had stored and didn’t want to look at—releasing that gave my whole body new breath and lightness.
I think the act of just lying down and opening my legs to receive 15 minutes of undivided attention in a safe setting has enabled me to experience and understand my beingness without having to explain myself. Now I no longer feel angry or upset or wonder why it's so hard for me to feel anything. I just know that’s how I’m wired and that I am learning to be able to lean in and feel what is there to feel. I am able to cry more and express more anger and joy. I have come more fully into my body.
OM has helped me open up and attract the partner I feel really good with. Today I am in a devoted and close relationship with my current partner and it's amazing. There has been such a tremendous amount of healing that now I can be more vulnerable and more honest. I am able to experience a deeper level of commitment and devotion. I also feel like my relationship with my inner feminine and inner masculine has come into balance. Professionally, it's helped me share who I am with my community. Learning about energetic attunement and pleasure, in particular learning how to receive, is what I want other folks to be able to have too. And it feels good passing it on.