by Tiff Lin
I was born in Taiwan and lived there with my grandmother before I came to New Jersey and met the rest of my family when I was three. I had a sister and brother and didn't see my parents together often because my father worked in China all through my childhood. So, there were no models for deep connection, intimacy, or consistent attention.
I was always a good girl, getting good grades, and I kept to myself. I was definitely a crier and felt really emotionally sensitive. But I was also a tomboy. People used to confuse my brother and me because he was more feminine, and I was more boisterous. Frankly, I didn't really have a concept of gender. I was just being myself. There were definitely instances growing up where my mom wanted me to be more like a lady. Even after I left home, she'd leave me voicemails on my phone, saying, “Be like a lady and less like a man. Okay? Bye.”
My 20s were a blur of existence. I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to feel like I was missing out on something, so I hooked up with a lot of random men. I didn't know why I couldn't stop. I always felt really weird afterwards, as if they were taking something from me. I just hoped to find someone who could help or fix me. I wasn’t unaware of being in my body or feeling anything fully. I was 27 and had never done anything with a man except perform for him.
I moved to China for three years to work for my father and had my first relationship with a woman there. She was in Taiwan, so it was a long-distance relationship that lasted for a year. The intimacy and passion were more intense than with men, but I still had a hard time letting myself go. It was so easy for her, and I would think, “Wow, this is beautiful!” And I would receive pleasure just giving pleasure, which was enough until it wasn't. Eventually, I got tired of always being in the giving position. At the same time, I wasn’t very forthcoming. I didn’t let her in. I think she really wanted me to trust her enough to talk about the pain and insecurity and the levels of unhappiness I was experiencing living in China and working for my father. But I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone someone else.
When a friend got married in San Francisco, I flew over and stayed. I've always believed that I'm going to live my life how I'm going to live it. I didn't have a queer community on the East Coast growing up, and living in China, I was completely closeted. Moving to San Francisco inspired a healthy gender exploration. I think I got into Orgasmic Meditation because I just didn't want to feel so alone. I was looking for a community and something, but I wasn’t sure what. So when a guy I met told me about Orgasmic Meditation, I went for it. There was a practice that would allow me to practice receiving!
After I started Orgasmic Meditation, I put a lot of pressure on myself to climax, and I think it was eight months before I actually felt the finger on my clitoris in an OM—really felt it. And it felt like three cups of coffee rushing through me. Slowly, I began to let go of the pressure to reach climax and placed more attention on feeling the sensations. Finally, in one session, I experienced different ranges of pressure and speed in so many different places, and it unlocked something. I just broke down and sobbed, realizing how extremely complex I was and how I didn’t have to hold on to so much anymore. I had this powerful release where I was being transmuted, lifted, and optimized. All the ancestral shame I had stored and didn’t want to look at—releasing that gave my whole body new breath and lightness.
I think the act of just lying down and opening my legs to receive 15 minutes of undivided attention in a safe setting has enabled me to experience and understand my being without having to explain myself. Now, I no longer feel angry or upset or wonder why it's so hard for me to feel anything. I just know that’s how I’m wired and that I am learning to be able to lean in and feel what is there to feel. I am able to cry more and express more anger and joy. I have come more fully into my body.
Orgasmic Meditation has helped me open up and attract the partner I feel really good with. Today, I am in a devoted and close relationship with my current partner, and it's amazing. There has been so much healing that I can now be more vulnerable and honest. I am able to experience a deeper level of commitment and devotion. I also feel like my relationship with my inner masculine and feminine has come into balance. Professionally, it's helped me share who I am with my community. Learning about energetic attunement and pleasure, in particular learning how to receive, is what I want other folks to be able to have, too. And it feels good passing it on.
