by Belinda Porter
The best anniversary gift my husband ever gave me was OM - Orgasmic Meditation. He discovered it and went to New York City to learn the practice, leaving me the website address. He said, “See what you think. We'll talk about it when I get back.” When he came home from class, we shared our first OM the evening before our 25th wedding anniversary. It blew me away!
I grew up in a conservative family. My mother had The Talk with me, and there were a few discussions, but there was no focus on female desire or pleasure. I understood that good girls were more focused on doing their duty. And the way intimacy was treated in the messaging I was getting from other parts of society, like church, was, frankly, scary. I was told that pleasure is for the man and that it was my duty as a wife to give it to him. I was warned that men would be after whatever they could get, so I had to be careful. I was in danger just because I was female.
Although I didn't completely buy into it, much of the fear and shame stuck with me. I was ashamed of masturbating and ashamed of not waiting until marriage and having sex with my college boyfriend. And don’t you know, I dragged all this shame into my marriage.
During the first few months of the marriage, the connection was great. Kevin tried to get me to see things differently and always tried to please me. But I was always busy focusing on him, thinking it was my job to help him get off. And then things started tapering off, and before I knew it, I was 42 and diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through chemoradiation therapy and surgery, which put me into menopause, and at that point, almost any intimate contact became uncomfortable. A couple of years later, I had a total hysterectomy, and sex became downright painful. I stopped initiating because I didn't want the pain, and Kevin wasn't initiating because he didn't want to hurt me.
After we started OMing, my desire kicked back in. It was almost instantaneous. What a surprise to realize the desire really was there, and what a discovery to realize that I was doing it, not so much for the closeness but for the sensation I was experiencing. I started feeling more light in my body and less dragged down. So much of my focus before Orgasmic Meditation - OM was on who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do. And it was a very long journey letting go of all of that. Kevin and I were learning to communicate in a way we hadn't communicated before.
I was holding back on fewer things, and so was he. I learned that my two primary love languages are physical touch and quality time, and it became easier for me to ask for touch. Soon, I didn't have to ask for it as much because he automatically gave it to me. This weird energy thing opened up between us, and I could feel Kevin’s love for me more and more. Even when he said something I didn't particularly want to hear, I could still feel the love.
As we got deeper into OM and attended various classes, I examined how I looked at my marriage. I realized I was expecting him to know exactly what I wanted when I wanted it. I was expecting him to do all the initiation. And then there was all that shame. I could barely talk about any intimate issues with my doctor. OM - Orgasmic Meditation made it normal for me to talk about my desires, and it actually felt good to talk about it. I learned how to speak my feelings and how to say no. Within the container of OM—Orgasmic Meditation, I really started finding my voice to ask for exactly what I wanted. As a result, my connection with Kevin deepened.
I used to go to a party and stand in the corner somewhere, hoping nobody would approach me, not saying much of anything. Now, I'm out in the world coaching and giving speeches to 50 people at a time about sexuality. I'm not the shrinking violet I used to be. Today, connection for me is play and exploration more than anything else. I have lost friends over the last few years because they are not comfortable with who I have become.
I don’t know who I’d be without Orgasmic Meditation and the things I’ve explored since. Kevin and I had gotten into a pattern of work, volunteering, and hobbies. Everything else took priority over our relationship. That all changed with OM. We decided that we were going to start making our relationship a priority again. Sure, we've been through some rather tough conversations that we wouldn't have been able to have without the internal work we've both done personally. But we’re more honest with each other, even when it's painful. Fortunately, we have also developed strategies to deal with things as they come up.
If something hadn't happened, if Kevin hadn’t introduced me to OM - Orgasmic Meditation and made me look at how I was living my life, nothing would have changed. And I’m so grateful it has. One of the things that finally got me to the point where I wanted to be a coach was seeing so many other couples our age out there, just getting by and not even knowing something else was possible.
Take it from me: a lot is possible! And I’m so grateful that I can share it.
