When my husband left me with three little children, I was heartbroken. Everything was overwhelmingly difficult to deal with. I let the post pile up. I was not dealing with things financially. I wasn't facing the divorce. I was in denial. I was exhausted and financially challenged running the business that my husband and I had built together. I can't even remember all the details now. Looking back, I was pretty broken, and yet I think I was also broken open. I knew on some instinctual level that it wasn’t time to go into victim mode. I had to feel it all and heal it all.
I knew my current level of thinking wasn't going to get me something different. I just knew that something kind of radical, left field and nonlinear was going to be the answer. Basically, I was unconsciously already asking for something like Orgasmic Meditation to come my way. So it’s no surprise that it showed up!
Actually, I already knew about it … sort of. A friend of a friend of mine had talked about it while I happily married, so at that point I hadn’t given it much thought. I didn't disapprove of it. It was more like, “Wow, gosh, people do that?”
After the divorce, her story surfaced in my mind. I remember thinking, “Mama, you're now single, and you can’t just lie down and take it. You’re going to go do this for yourself and go on this journey.” And so I reconnected with her. Turns out there was an Introductory course in London that didn’t cost much money. So, that was the first easy step.
At first glance I thought the practice was very sexual, and I was so excited to get my genitals stroked! I was a full on “Yes!” My first OM workshop, just walking in the door it felt like the right place for me to be. There was so much electricity and so much power, it was amazing. I didn't know power. I never really thought about power as electricity before—which seems crazy to me now. Later, in my first OM, I was a little like a Christmas tree, all lit up. The experience was mind-blowingly amazing.
Before the two minutes of grounding downstroke at the end, I felt the hunger to have sex. But the minute he applied the grounding pressure, I was back in my body and I realized, obviously no. I don't want sex with this person. In the early days I had a habit of attaching to my stroker because I'd never before had such an incredible experience, and I thought it was him giving it to me. But the minute I’d ground at the end, I’d call all of that power back in until it wasn’t this heightened turn on anymore, but rather this powerful sense of inner relaxation and peace.
My real journey with OM began when the newness wore off and I had enough OM's, returning to my own body and power, to realize that it wasn't sex, it was so much more. As I went deeper, the practice brought more of me to the—all of my insides came pouring out.
I began to get more intimate with myself. I had a lot of conditioning around intimate relationships, and I'd been used to controlling my relationships. I wanted things to happen my way on my timescales based on what I wanted. I didn't consider intimacy between two people. I just wanted to have people around who got me and who would just do what suited me. It blows my mind now to think that I got away with it for as long as I did.
I couldn’t control all these people I was now connected to through OM. They just weren't available for that kind of game. So I became kind of petulant. Literally I would just stamp my feet because not being in control drove me insane. I was addicted to external relationships, especially dating relationship, validating me. What a shock to discover how codependent I was!
I had to let go the need for any need of that. I spent a long time not in the dating game, and it was a really important phase for me. I was on my own for a very long time and I chose that. That's my progress. That's my growth and a testimony to how much work I've done, how much I've grown, and how brave I've been being willing to learn to be intimate with myself first.
Up until OM, for me, intimacy had always been about kissing and boys and sex. One of the things OM taught me was that I wasn’t thinking in terms of intimacy with other people, even with my own children, who were approximately seven, five, and two when I started OMing. Now I know that intimacy is everywhere. It's with myself. It’s with every single human being that I’ve ever met. Realizing that my most intimate relationship was really with my children, and growing that relationship … I'll be forever thankful for that. Because the investment in intimacy with my children will pay off a million times over, not just in my lifetime, but in their lifetimes, and their children's lifetimes and on and on. Because of OM there's a whole legacy set in motion as a result of having a very different relationship with my children.
Orgasmic Meditation has helped me to become a better coach. It's helped me to become a better wife, and a better mom, a better ex-wife and a better sister and a better friend. All of my relationships have been enhanced. I’ve realized that everything is a practice. That’s what OM taught me. Everything is an opportunity to grow.