As a child I had overbearing, authoritarian parents and felt shut down. Even when I had a home of my own, my parents were always there. They never left the nest and so I didn’t either. My early life was filled with responsibilities and I just didn't have any freedom. I didn't have the space to hear or feel myself, or know who I was or what I wanted.
As an adult, I felt like I was always seeking and searching for something more. Trying new things, new courses, new ways of thinking. I remember seeing a video about OM and wanting to try it, but thinking I had to wait until I had a strong relationship that would allow for that. I couldn’t believe there were men who would want to do that practice without expecting something in return. I shelved the idea of trying the practice for a long time.
It wasn’t until I moved from the East Coast to Arizona that I got the opportunity to try it, even though I was still single. I went to an introduction to OM class and was really impressed with the couple who taught it. I liked the woman’s obvious sense of self-confidence and freedom. And the man’s ability to connect and be present was attractive. I’d always believed that quality was rare in men. I was really interested. I wanted that freedom.
My first OM was awkward and I couldn't focus on myself. I went into people-pleasing mode and tried to do what I thought my OM partner would want. It was not great.
My second OM was better. The grounding in the beginning helped me get into my body, and my stroker felt very present. I could feel my body relax and open more. I was able to just be in the experience, which was a truly collaborative thing. It felt new to have that attention on me in such a powerful and delicate area of my body. The experience felt nourishing and expansive. I remember feeling like I had to pull myself back down out of the ethers into my body afterwards.
The biggest thing I’ve gotten from the practice of Orgasmic Meditation is that I’ve learned to trust what I feel and stop invalidating myself. So many times throughout my life I’d sense something about a person or situation but not believe it. Through OMing, I learned that what I feel is generally accurate. I can trust myself and my perception of others, even when I'm just responding to subtle clues.
I also learned to trust myself, and my own needs and wants. I finally found what had eluded me for so long, that understanding of myself. Understanding what I wanted helped me articulate it to others, and the OM practice taught me how to make adjustments and speak up for myself. Today, I know myself, and I'm no longer afraid to look out for me.