I grew up in a family where women and girls weren't really asked how they felt about anything. What I wanted was not necessarily very important, and that translated later in life to my satisfaction in relationships not really being that important. For me, it was all about pleasing the other person while feeling good at the same time. I never really put the focus of attention on myself,
I was married when a friend from California recommended Orgasmic Meditation. But at the time, I wasn't brave enough to explore it or ask for that kind of attention in my marriage. My husband and I weren't really able to connect with each other on a very intimate level. I understood that he wanted different things than I did. We definitely had different ideas of what intimacy was and I just sort of accepted that I might not get my longing for deep bonding satisfied. Frankly, a part of me died with that moment of acceptance. I remember asking him to read Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus, and he wouldn't even read the book. I didn't really have anywhere to go after that. I wanted to be playful with the man I loved and have fun. I thought there should be a flow. But it wasn’t happening. So I shut down physically.
After we separated, he started seeing another woman and I hit bottom. It was pretty dramatic. I became very aware of what being without him might be like, and I felt threatened, scared and insecure. It was really hard. Then, on top of everything else, when he moved to Manhattan he started an OM practice. That was very upsetting to me, because that was exactly the kind of intimacy that I always wanted to have with him.
Then, one day, I found a man online who was looking for an OM partner in upstate New York near where I was living. I was having trouble seeing other men during my separation. It was hard for me to jump to another person. I felt like the OM experience would be very helpful for me because it wasn’t a date.
My first OM was amazing. Mind blowing! Afterward I felt so close to this man—a man who I didn’t have a lot in common with and who I wasn’t particularly attracted to. But the exercise of OMing with him was just so beautiful, I felt something blossom in that experience—something I wanted more of. Just not necessarily with him.
Frankly, I feel as though women don't really get the respect and attention and acknowledgement that men do. I feel like if we’re not able to orgasm the way we're expected to orgasm, we are seen as being at fault. We never get a chance to truly experience what’s happening. OM is the exact opposite experience. When you take off your trousers and splay yourself in the company of someone you might not even know very well, you're just kind of observing what's going on. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. You have the opportunity to explore how you’re feeling. I wasn’t rushed and I wasn't pressured. I wasn't told what to experience and wasn’t criticized for not experiencing something. I got to just experience what I experienced. And that was amazing.
In asking for what I needed or wanted in the exercise, it was very powerful to have someone actually hear me and then have something to offer in response. Wow. It really took all the pressure away and allowed me to just experience my body and my feelings without expectation. Just being in the moment of pleasure, where I was allowed to have that experience, had never happened before.
Today I am able to communicate more of what I want in my life and in bed. I’m speaking up for myself when I am in an intimate situation. I have a boyfriend who's very loving, gentle and kind. He’s worked very hard with me at an intimate level and we’re on the right track now.
With OM, I learned that relationship is not about achieving a goal. It's really about pleasure in the moment and feeling what you feel, identifying how you feel, and then asking for what you need. It’s so basic. But I think women easily get into this pattern of wanting to look beautiful and act a certain way to please a man and make him happy. And there's this whole other aspect of us that doesn't get acknowledged. And a blossoming, loving woman can dry up and die if that kind of intimacy isn't realized in a relationship.
I think if more men knew how to have this experience with their partner, everyone's lives—their marriages and relationships—would be transformed.