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eros: The essential energy force that arises from our desire for connection with ourselves, others, and the world around us. It encompasses all of life, evokes beauty, and contributes to an understanding of essential truth. It seeks to unify masculine and feminine energies and manifests as creativity and genius.
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My Own Power Source

By Published: July, 2025

I used to believe that the power I felt in my body—arousal, aliveness, a sense of being deeply plugged in—came from one particular man. There was something about him. Something magnetic. When he looked at me, came near me, touched me—I lit up. I believed he had something I didn’t, that he was lit from within by some kind of magic I could only access through proximity. So I did whatever it took to stay close—lied, cheated, withheld. I contorted myself to preserve the image I had built of him in my mind. I made myself smaller so he could be superior, because the power I projected onto him depended on him seeming to know more than I did.

What broke that spell was learning how to access arousal without him—and then to stay in that state while doing something deliberate. I turned toward what had been hidden. Without arousal, the patterns were unbearable to face. The shame was too thick. I was humiliated by my manipulative ways and by how far I had contorted myself. But from within arousal, I could look. I could feel. I could even eroticize those patterns—bring them up, speak them, and find what I secretly loved about them. I told him the truth. Things I had never said before—where I had lied to him, where he had lied to me and I pretended not to notice, because I needed us in those roles. In the heat of arousal, those stories burned up. They lost their grip. I felt free.

Then something else happened. From that same state, I could see beneath the world of appearances. I had thought he held some rare power, but I saw that the charge I associated with him didn’t come from him. I saw strands of energy moving into him from other people, and then from him into me. He wasn’t the source. He was a conduit. I had mistaken the outlet for the generator. And once I saw that, everything changed. I stopped reaching for him to plug me in. I turned toward the current itself. Now, I know how to access power without begging for it, without needing someone else to be the gatekeeper. I feel it rise in my body, move through me, and pour outward. I can receive it. I can share it. I can live in it.

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