by Rosana Byrne
During the training period of becoming a doctor, through years of school and residency, I was too busy to date anyone. Being a physician was not really my calling. I had trained in alternative medicine, and it became clear that alternative medicine did not offer the financial security I wanted; becoming a doctor was a logical step, but it was more or less a business decision.
Once my career was launched, I felt it was time for a change in my personal life. I’m not monogamous, I don’t believe in marriage, and I wasn’t looking to have kids. But much of the dating scene had moved online into a space where I am not comfortable. I needed help getting back into the game. As I looked around for help, I also looked for a calling that spoke to my deeper self. I became active in spiritual circles in the Bay Area. I knew from having studied Buddhism in the past that teachers can be helpful, so I chose to work with a healer. He suggested I learn the practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
The first few people I asked to OM were younger, good-looking men, who all said no, leaving me feeling shy and unnerved. Then a man asked me to OM. He was not fashionably dressed, he had a bad haircut, and his glasses were taped together on the side. He didn’t even make eye contact when he was asking. But he did ask, and I wanted to practice, so I said yes. I had low expectations, figuring he would probably not be able to find my clitoris and wouldn’t be a particularly connected stroker.
But when the OM started, I realized he knew what he was doing. He could feel electricity, and he responded to my body. It was obvious that he was tuning in to me. Surprised, I had to question myself. Why hadn’t I asked this guy for an OM? Those other dudes probably looked at me and thought I was too old for them. They were working with their own set of limitations, just like I was. The experience taught me not to be judgmental.
That first OM was comforting. After years of not having lovers, I’d felt strange and rusty around any kind of physical intimacy, and here I was, blowing the dust off the equipment, and everything was in working order. It was reassuring to find I could have connection and nourishment, even with someone I didn’t know very well.
Within the OM, requesting adjustments brought me another step forward in the realm of communication. You’re not necessarily going to get the stroke that you want. Over and over, you get to practice asking for what you want in a clear and clean way. In one session, a few weeks after I started OMing, I found I was very sensitive to the touch of a certain partner. The sensations in my clitoris were too intense. I kept asking him to stroke lighter and slower and smaller. Finally, he asked, “Do you want me to just hold still?” I didn’t know stillness was on the menu of what I could ask for. I said yes. That OM was really powerful, and it taught me a significant lesson.
Part of the skill of making adjustments is not criticizing something that’s not working but asking for something that would work better. The principle of trying to find my “yes” has shifted me from just being reactive, deciding if I do or don’t like something, to figuring out what I would like better and then asking for that. The skills I’ve learned from adjusting apply in a wide range of life situations. It has trained me to ask for what I really want in life.
