by Shilpa
I've always been a very practical person. From the time I was a little girl, I needed to see things to believe them. I’ve always been very much in my head for as long as I can remember; my intellect was how I protected myself. I grew up in a traditional household with conservative values about things like dress and sexual openness. I found refuge in science, logic, reason – and a lot of hard work.
When I reached my 30s, I realized I had achieved a lot, but a whole aspect of me was shut down. I realized that it was time to start exploring my inner terrain, as it were. I wanted intimacy in my relationships, and I knew that in order to achieve that, I had to start focusing on myself. So, I began to try various paths and traditions, which soon led me to Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
I went with two friends to an introductory lecture here in London. My friends were scandalized and laughed nervously; they were quite clear that Orgasmic Meditation (OM) wasn’t for them. I wasn’t so easily put off. I felt a particular connection with the speaker, and after her talk, I waited in line to chat with her. Again, I’m rational; the woman who spoke was so calm and clear that I was convinced that OM could make sense.
I signed up eagerly. Right away, I was confronted by my own struggle with vulnerability. I have, or had, a lot of defenses and a lot of cynicism, particularly around men. I am very grateful that before I ever did an actual Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I got to connect with women practitioners. I went to women’s meetings and listened intently, and eventually, I started to open up as well. No one pushed me or said I had to follow a particular timetable. I needed to take my time, and this loving and supportive group of women let me do that.
The real breakthrough came when I told my mom about OM. I don’t know what possessed me to be so honest with her; even as I explained it, part of me braced myself for her to be shocked and upset. To my amazement, my mother was quite calm. I couldn’t believe it. My mother has always been traditional to the point of being prudish, but here she was, accepting the premise of Orgasmic Meditation and even applauding it. Okay, I thought, this is interesting; I really need to do this now.
The first time I OMed, all I could sense was my partner’s nervousness. It was his first time, too, and he was so anxious that I felt I had to send him constant energy to calm him down. It’s hard to feel anything when you’re in that state. I didn’t get too discouraged, though; I knew I would find someone with whom I was able to get out of my head and into my body. In time, I found exactly the right person. I OMed with many people, but this one partner proved to be ideal. We had this great compatibility in the nest but almost no relationship outside it. We were friendly but not friends. There was no pressure to grab a coffee or speculate about each other’s inner lives.
Because there was some distance between us, I could connect with him on a whole other level. That may sound like a paradox, but for a woman who found it a distraction to have to take care of men, it was just what I needed. Without that pressure to see how they were doing, I could concentrate on myself and descend deep into my body and what I was experiencing. The distance enabled me to let down my vigilance, as it were.
It was remarkable that other people saw the changes in me first. It shocked me when I realized that other people could tell that there was something different about me when I walked around. At first, I didn’t realize what they were looking at. They weren’t staring at me with evident lust or anything like that or giving me dirty looks. It was that their expressions were a mix of the quizzical and the appreciative. I remember sitting in my car in London traffic once, and this pedestrian in the crosswalk stopped and stared for a moment, then blushed and hurried on. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened, and then I said to myself, Of course. This makes sense.
There’s genuine confidence that comes with OMing. You might expect that. What was more surprising to me was the way in which a regular Orgasmic Meditation practice rewired my brain. That lifelong caution I spoke about above has made it very difficult for me to stay in the present. I could never live in the moment – I was always ruminating on past mistakes or worrying about what would happen in the future. It wasn’t about being sexually aroused. It was about being awakened to the present moment. I became more alert, more aware, and more observant.
I had always been confident, but before Orgasmic Meditation, I can best describe it as an embattled confidence. Part of it was the fear of not being taken seriously as a woman, so I put on this almost masculine intensity in order to be taken seriously. OM—Orgasmic Meditation shifted something in me and allowed me to find this strength within the feminine rather than the masculine parts of myself. Where I had to work to be perceived as legitimate, now it seemed to come so much more easily.
A colleague recently told me I have this “wonderfully calm authority everyone respects.” The best part is that I know I have it and know what it’s grounded in. That’s the greatest gift I’ve had from Orgasmic Meditation.
