by Guesh Cuan
My early childhood life was very tumultuous, and I experienced a lot of childhood trauma. Sexual trauma was only part of it. There was also a lot of bullying, a lot of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse. And not just from family members but also from people in my surroundings—a school teacher and classmates. My saving grace was my mom and my grandmother. My mom was a doctor and an acupuncturist.
Being around her, I discovered meditation and mindful breathing at around age five, which helped me survive these intense emotional experiences. I spent after-school hours hanging around her at her practice, and then we walked home together while I asked her questions about her patients. It's no surprise that I ended up studying both Western and Chinese medicine and became an acupuncturist as well.
Aside from those hours with my mother, most of the time, I felt very uneasy, unsafe, and agitated. I'm a sensitive person, and I couldn't sleep and had insomnia. I was always interested in how to help other people, and after I became a healer myself, I realized early on that if I am the one who's drowning and struggling, how can I possibly help others pull themselves out of their own issues?
A friend of mine had learned Orgasmic Meditation, and he told me about it, but I didn’t feel ready for it. At that point, I'd been engaged for nine years, married for ten, and divorced. I’d tried dating, but one boyfriend raped me, and I really hit bottom. My body was completely numb after that. I had no real sensitivity from the neck down and was living totally in my head. It was about four years after I first heard about Orgasmic Meditation that I said, “This cannot go on. This has to change. I need to change direction.” I signed up for an upcoming Orgasmic Meditation (OM) workshop.
The time leading up to the workshop was traumatic. I’d been told by old boyfriends that my genitals were ugly, so I didn’t want to have anything to do with anything down there! All these weird beliefs were like icebergs floating around in my mind that needed to be melted.
I knew the container would make me feel safe. I knew the whole process was designed to make me feel safe, but I could not emotionally connect to that because I didn't trust that my body would be able to let down the guard built up by all the years of pain, fear, and distrust. I'm forever grateful to my first stroker because he made that first step, that first OM, possible for me.
I was nervous. Once I stepped into the nest and settled in, feeling the vulnerability of being in the OM position was awkward. That was a very vulnerable moment. And the stroker actually asked if he could have a light on my genitals so he could be sure everything went right. So there I was, breathing into the relaxation, breathing to create space, breathing to let this happen, and the initial shock of feeling his finger on my clitoris was too much. When I asked for an adjustment, he lightened his touch and kept lightening it until I didn’t feel so scared and stopped feeling like the whole thing was a painful process I had to bear.
It was shocking to realize I had a choice! That I could stop everything. But I chose to stick with it because I was committed to healing myself. After that first OM, I sat in my living room in the dark, feeling some of the icebergs starting to thaw. I literally sat there for hours getting used to the idea of giving myself permission to feel and teach my body to feel again, to have that body-mind connection again.
My second OM was a little bit easier. The pain program was really deep. It took a long time for my Orgasmic Meditation sessions to feel less and less painful slowly and then slowly upgraded to feeling more and more pleasurable. At first, I could only trust one stroker. But over time, I began to branch out and trust another man and then another. At that point, I realized it wasn’t about the stroker. It was about me being able to trust me. And when I got to that place, I realized it would all be okay. I was getting to the place of being healed.
I am a coach and acupuncturist today, helping people prevent brain diseases. I'm developing my own workshops and brain health coaching program. I'm also in an amazing relationship—the kind I always wanted—experiencing a deep connection with a caring man I love and trust. Someone who receives from me and wants to give back to me and nurture a mutually loving relationship.
I've meditated my whole life ever since I was a kid, and Orgasmic Meditation is definitely way ahead of the curve. It's very intense, and it helps you get in touch with your core. It's been a profound practice for me.
