I was going through hard times. My marriage and business fell apart. I had had a public relations company for nine years – and I’d been married 24 years to a man I’d met when I was 22. It was a one-two punch of losses, and I was reeling. I had lost confidence, and my self-esteem was very low.
At first, I focused on getting through these crises. My daughters were 8 and 12 then, and I knew I needed to be there for them. As a mother, a wife, and a business owner, I have always put the needs of others above my own. I didn’t give myself the luxury of asking for what I needed, let alone wanted, for myself. It was easier to focus on others. Friends convinced me I needed to explore new things and regain my confidence. At first, I didn’t want to listen. Gradually, however, I realized I needed to shift something—my misery was exhausting! One girlfriend told me about Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
I loved the introduction class I went to. It was so much less intimidating than I thought it would be – at least until it came time to ask for my first OM. What had seemed intriguing now seemed terrifying. I was scared to ask someone to OM with me. I had to challenge myself to walk up to this man and ask. “Yes,” he said with a smile. Relief washed over me. And then that relief became more of a giddy joy as if I already could feel something working inside me. I was beginning to build my confidence back just by having the guts to ask.
Early in my Orgasmic Meditation practice, I had a hard time making adjustments. The idea of asking for more pressure or being specific with direction was really challenging. How could I give someone else direction about what to do when I wasn’t sure what I wanted? I didn’t have the vocabulary yet for my own desire. I had to learn that in Orgasmic Meditation, and it wasn’t easy. I kept doing it, though, and I let my voice come from what my body told me.
I had an experience early on where I could barely feel the stroker’s finger on my clitoris. I asked him to stroke with more pressure. He didn’t seem to respond. I asked again, and he increased the pressure slightly, but not as much as I wanted. I started to play an old tape from my marriage in my head. Why bother trying? He’s not listening. He’s got a bad attitude and doesn’t care. Maybe I just want too much. I was angry at myself and annoyed with him.
The OM finished, but the memory of it nagged at me. I knew I had slipped into an old pattern and needed to shift it. The old me would have just tried to find a different stroker, but I returned to this guy the next chance I had. I knew there was something there for me. We OMed again and again, and the pressure was lighter than I wanted. So, I asked for more pressure. And I asked again, and I asked again.
I knew the lesson was not to give up. At last, something shifted, and he heard me. He began to put in the amount of pressure that I wanted. I felt so good that I continued to ask, and he was happy that he could hear me. Overall, we both felt more connected after. Experiences like that in my Orgasmic Meditation practice have helped me have more confidence in myself. And from that confidence comes so much freedom.
