Eros Platform logo

The Depth & Joy Only Grew

by Nick Khatri

Growing up, I learned not to express emotions or care about other people's emotions. My father, who never expressed emotions, came from a successful family, while my mother, who was very emotional, came from an unsuccessful family. I noticed that people looked up to my father, who had many accomplishments. People like my mother, who got stuck in her emotions and didn't get much done, were not respected.

Valuing Accomplishments

I also learned that accomplishments were what got you accolades and friends. However, I was not a good student because I was so bored with reading and rote memorization. In those days, drawing was my refuge. When I was drawing, I was recreating life. I liked to have people look at my comics and be amazed, and I'd feel I had made someone happy.

Meanwhile, my schoolwork got worse and worse until I was almost flunking out. Then, a girl came along whom I wanted to impress, so I was determined to improve in school. I discovered that math and science had concepts that I could use as learning tools. By applying formulas and logic, I could find answers instead of just memorizing. Inspired by this girl, I worked so hard that I graduated at the top of my school's math and science program.

But then, when I got an engineering job, and the girl was no longer in my life, I grew bored and depressed. The work was not that interesting, and I was lonely again. I didn't know how to connect with women except by trying to impress them. I still did not value emotions at all, and I was arrogant, insisting my point of view was always right. 

I had one friend who was estranged from her mother, and I kept pushing her to try to talk to her. It never occurred to me to try to understand what was going on and why she didn't feel comfortable reaching out to her mom. Instead, I totally disregarded her emotions. Eventually, she didn't want to talk to me anymore. In hindsight, I see that we got disconnected because of my masculine way of ignoring emotions.

This failure to value emotion extended to my desires. I wanted so much to be accepted and desired myself, but I felt I had to hide that side of me. I was ashamed and afraid to look greedy or demanding.

Embracing Desires & Joy

When I started learning about Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I heard people discussing desires as if they were positive. I was curious. What would it be like to be a part of a culture where desires are not only accepted but given importance? It was exciting to meet people who believe you should actually have more desires, not just one or two, but a hundred desires. You could make a list of all your desires. I liked that idea. 

In my first OM, I was able to feel what my partner was feeling. And when she wanted something different, she asked for it. It was that simple. I offered my attention and was attuned to her body and the spot, and then both of us had a richer experience. She’d express a desire, like, “Can I have a lighter stroke?” Then I’d answer her, “Yes.” As I adjusted the stroke, I felt the sensation shift and expand through my body. It’s hard to explain how profound my joy in this was. And to my surprise, the effect didn’t go away. I found that with each subsequent OM, the depth and the joy only grew.

That’s my favorite part of an OM, the communication. I make offers, and my partner makes requests. I can say, “Would you like a faster stroke?” If she says yes, I speed up, and if she says no, I stick with what I’m doing. 

New Perspective on Desires

In the OM, I noticed that my actions were actually changing the way both my partner and I felt. It made me so happy to offer myself to contribute to our shared experience. I felt accepted and trusted in a way I had never felt before, and that shifted my entire relationship with desire.

Now I see myself as someone who cares about other people and their desires. If I can help fulfill their desires, then I know that the universe will also care about my desires. I can have as many desires as I want, and I can stay open whether they are met or not. 

Last year, I had just started dating a woman when I got a new job in Los Angeles. I wanted to invite her to come to L.A. with me and help me find a new place to live. It was hard to express this desire. I was worried she might think I was a weirdo, and I thought she would probably say no. But I asked anyway, and she said yes. She helped me find a place, and later she ended up moving to L.A. herself. We’re not dating anymore but are still good friends. All this connection was created because I acted on my desire.

Embracing Emotions In OM

In my work, I have also followed my desires. I applied for a job that would make extensive use of my drawing and math skills. The interviews took a day, and I was asked a lot of technical questions. Because of my passion for the work, I had no trouble answering the questions, and I landed the job. To me, it's the best job in the world.

I attribute this success to Orgasmic Meditation, which has shown me the difference that being expressive makes. Life is so full when people ask for what they want. I like being able to provide people with what they want, and I like to be asked what I want.

Emotions have become important to me. When I’m in conversation, I know that there’s a reason behind what someone is feeling. Unlike in the past, when I saw emotions as worthless or would shut someone down, I now validate every emotion, and I’m willing to be with whatever arises.

Related Stories
Understanding & Expressing My Desire
by Julia Beauchamp
My journey with Orgasmic Meditation in my 20s helped me get clearer about what I really wanted—and helped me learn to express m... see more
5 min Read
Finding Space to Listen
by Ethan Feerst
In my twenties, after working on a low-budget feature film, I turned to developing an underground theater company into a major ... see more
5 min Read
How to Be a Man
by Jens
When I was young and in school, I adapted to the need to hide my feelings by becoming the class clown, able to dissipate any em... see more
6 min Read
The Power to Be Present
by Tyler
Five years ago, I was at a contact improv class, a type of improvisational dance, when I saw a guy with the energy of an exuber... see more
5 min Read
From Suave to Skillful
by Ross
Kids at school bullied me and made fun of me for how different I looked because of my Asian features. That's how I learned to e... see more
6 min Read
Getting Out of My Head
by Bruce
When I came to OM in my mid-40s, I learned to fully feel my body, live from a place of desire, and ask for what I want rather t... see more
5 min Read
Lit Up Like Christmas
by Jacob Fox
In my twenties, I loved being an actor. I loved being in front of a live group of people, connecting to an audience in the imme... see more
6 min Read
Being Patient
by Jacob Silver
I used to smoke a lot of pot as a way of self-medicating and acting out, but what I really wanted was love. I longed for a rela... see more
4 min Read