by Lily D
From a young age, I was told my childhood was a really good one, and I believed wholeheartedly that it was true. I was smack in the middle of five kids, and in a family that big with an authoritarian father, you learn survival techniques quickly. As a “daddy’s girl,” I was eager to conform and obey. Believing whatever I was told made a lot of sense to me. Fortunately, I have a strong survivor in me, and while I quickly learned the importance of not speaking up or voicing my opinions as a girl, I always had a rebellious streak.
As a young adult, I entered the dating world ill-equipped. My parents were deeply conservative, and my mom barely had “sex talk” with me. Because I was homeschooled, I also missed out on public school sexual education. Two days before my 21st birthday, I lost my virginity in a date rape situation. I didn’t know what was happening and froze in shock. Despite this, I continued the relationship, got pregnant three months in, and then married the guy and had two more kids with him.
Through my post-divorce self-exploration, I began dating a man who introduced me to the Orgasmic Meditation practice through a video on YouTube. I was feeling a bit adventurous at that point, but my religious Christian beliefs had me feel awkward about turning anything with genitals into a meditation practice. I actually laughed when I first saw the video, thinking my boyfriend was joking about trying OM—Orgasmic Meditation. When I realized he was serious, I told him, “Well, I’ll try anything twice! Once to see what it’s about, and the second time to see if I like it!”
The first time was intense. The pressure was too much, and I didn’t know I could ask him to stroke more softly. When he told me that I could tell him how to touch my clitoris, I felt a wave of shyness. My husband had been intensely sensitive about me guiding him around my body, getting angry or quitting if I asked him to touch me differently. The thought of telling another adult (especially a man) what to do felt completely foreign in my body.
Over the next few months, I tried OMing several more times. It felt like the adjustments would get caught in my throat whenever I wanted a different stroke. Even while knowing it was a part of the practice, I would feel a giant lump growing tight in my throat while the thoughts would get louder in my head. Go right. Please move to the right. MOVE RIGHT! It would take me two or three minutes of wanting the adjustment before I would get up the courage to say it.
I started to notice that I would have that same feeling when I wanted to say something in my relationship but was afraid of disrupting it. My inability to speak was popping up all over, but it wasn’t happening more than before; I was just noticing it more.
Eventually, it felt like something in me thawed out, and I was making the adjustments just seconds after I felt them. I began to experience the ability to say what I thought and felt in real-time, and I asked for what I needed and wanted more often. I started to take more control of the narrative around my life, which opened up a deep well of healing.
Four and a half years later, I’ve seen the incredible power I’ve cultivated through this practice in many ways, but most of all through reclaiming my voice and narrative. I have the confidence and sureness in myself and my personal agency to allow myself to feel safe within a full range of emotions and to express them without fear to the people I love. That is an incredible gift!
