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Patience, Presence, and a Greater Appreciation of Self

by Tina

I went to an all-female college, and it really opened my eyes to female empowerment and feminism and that we, as women, can do anything and that we control our bodies. I was already in that mindset, and when I got home from college, I was surprised that not everyone felt that way. It was so ingrained in me that I felt like I had these blinders on with my thinking. 

Vulnerability and Abuse

Yet, I still felt vulnerable in crowds or one-on-one relationships and was careful with whom I was intimate. I had been abused as a child. Later, in college, I was assaulted. Afterward, I was the one who was embarrassed, as if the problem was me. I went through a lot of therapy for it and worked really hard in college to put myself back together.

I did a lot of different types of therapy: Groupwork, solo and psychotherapy. I have PTSD and bipolar depression, so I take a mood stabilizer, but other than that, I am highly functioning. So, with that in my background, you would think I would not be open with my emotions. But it does explain my emotional and physical feelings of vulnerability and not liking to be in a place I don’t feel safe in. Or in a position where I feel like a caged animal.

New Beginnings and Self-Discovery

After I graduated college, I moved to Florida to get my Master’s in Field Ornithology, studying birds, animal behavior, and evolution. I met my husband there. He was doing the same thing as I was, pursuing a Master’s with birds. We moved to Vermont and had a daughter together. We stayed together for 14 years. He is still one of my best friends.

After we split, I met many people and tried many new things, and I still do. You get to this point where you have tried all these kinds of things but not those kinds of things. It’s this evolution of figuring out who you are, what you like, and what makes you tick. 

Exploring Orgasmic Meditation (OM)

So, I was dating someone, and he brought up Orgasmic Meditation (OM) to me and encouraged me to go to a class to learn more about it. While I thought it sounded cool, my experiences of abuse had me a bit biased against it. But he wanted to try it, so I thought, Why not? I was curious. I like to do things that sound like they’re going to be unique. When I attended the class, I met some really nice people. I enjoyed it, even though I was nervous going in and had no idea what it would entail. But I was put at ease.

When my partner and I tried Orgasmic Meditation after learning how it felt awkward because I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be doing, it seemed like there were a lot of things to do or not do, and in this and that order, and it was a little overwhelming. I felt like if I did something wrong, I’d look like an idiot. I felt a lot of pressure not to mess anything up. The actual practice is very relaxing, though. The inward focus was something I liked. It is aptly named meditation because it has this intentional focus.

Cultivating Vulnerability

Orgasmic Meditation reinforced my knowing that I could do whatever I wanted to try. That I am open to new experiences. It validated this for me and expanded my confidence in trying new things. Being validated with what I can do for my body in Orgasmic Meditation also made me more confident in other areas, such as my work, relationships, and my personal life. I have gotten better, too, about being emotionally vulnerable. You learn to put your trust in your partner and not to have a goal, just the experience. The meditation deepens everything that is good, and you find a stronger connection with people.

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