OM as Self-Care

by Eva

When I was seventeen, I discovered a desire for women. At university, I went crazy, meeting lots of women and having a string of monogamous relationships, alternating with periods of being single. I went to lesbian bars, trying to find women I had something in common with, yearning for a strong sense of connection. 

Since I was pretty insecure, I used different tactics to initiate intimacy. If I wanted to check out a woman, I would get my best friend, Maureen, to go over and find out whether she was gay. Then Maureen would say, “My friend fancies you,” and that was how I found my second girlfriend. When I was alone, I'd approach women with an innocuous question. “What time does the bar close?” “Where’s the toilet?” I’d often leave a bar feeling empty and alone at the end of the night.

Career and Competition

My job with an Internet company was high-pressure. Being a woman in tech is not easy, and I was eager to climb the ladder, wanting to impress. Often, when I went to bars with my friend Jenna, she would end up with women who were slightly better-looking and higher on the career ladder, and I would get her cast-offs. So there was that undercurrent of competitiveness, in both my professional and personal lives, the feeling of not being quite good enough. When I did find someone I thought was more desirable, I’d put her on a pedestal. If I lost my job or if she met someone who seemed like a better fit, my ego would be completely slammed, and the relationship would crash and burn.

When I left England for the U.S., my perspective expanded as I discovered a whole new world of self-awareness work and met people who had open relationships. An intense partnership with an American woman fell apart, leaving me feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I decided to reroute the pain into self-exploration, take a timeout, and try to change the direction of my life. That’s when a friend introduced me to OM.

I had challenged myself to a sex sabbatical. I'd moved away from the lesbian bars and was trying to explore my mind in a different way. OMing has never felt like sex to me. It’s a deeper form of mental connection, and most people I've OMed with have been friends.

First OM Experience

My first OM was with a woman who had a lot of experience in the practice and made me feel safe and comfortable. During the session, I felt a shift in my body, and I was swept up in a wave of emotion that gave me a tremendous sense of release. Afterward, I was so tired that I went home to take a long nap. When I woke up, I felt great. I realized a lot had been brought up for me to process. The gravitas of the practice resonated with me and made me want to continue.

OMing became a significant form of self-care, helping reduce my stress. There’s nothing quite like having fifteen minutes of attention entirely focused on my needs. In an OM, I don’t have to think about what I'm going to do for the other person, and I don’t have to worry if I’m good enough.

Expressing Desires

In an OM, I could express my thoughts and desires. I could ask the stroker for adjustments to make the stroking feel better, and I let my body respond in a way that felt comfortable, without fear of reproach or the other person wondering what I was doing. I still especially like the grounding steps at the beginning and the end, when the stroker presses on my thighs. It gives me a sense of security and stability, and I feel nurtured.

Sometimes I’ve taken the role of the stroker, which produces a very different experience. I find it really rewarding. The first time was with a woman who was already a close friend, and OMing helped deepen our connection. She made a lot of adjustments, which were fine for me. I didn’t have performance anxiety, although I did want to give her a good experience, not just on my behalf but so she would appreciate OMing, which we had spoken about so much. As the stroker, I stayed in my head initially but later was able to drop into my body to some extent, experiencing my own sensations and connecting to hers. 

Setting Boundaries

Early in my practice, I started dating Gale, an experienced OMer who was having many OMs a week with various men. My OM practice became more frequent, but I still stuck to OMing with women. I’m glad I set that boundary and stuck to it. 

Gale and I drifted apart when I realized she was more geared towards open relationships. But over time, as I diversified my friendship network, I started exploring open relationships myself. After seven years of that expansion and learning, I’ve returned to monogamy. 

Deeper Connections

By learning to heighten the sense of connection I experienced in OM, I’ve also developed deeper connections with people in daily life. When I meet someone, I can cut through the small talk and go straight to an exchange of truth and feeling. I don't have to resort to tricks to initiate intimacy. As I develop more confidence, I attract women who are also confident, strong, and stable. The confidence is like an OM nutrient that helps fill me up.

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