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Living in Full Color

by Catherine

I was raised in a violent home, a one-bedroom apartment with an abusive stepfather. It taught me that I never wanted to be financially or emotionally dependent on anyone—except myself. That meant studying hard and doing whatever it took to succeed and get out of there. I went to college and juggled a full-time job to pay for it.

Striving to Achieve in Work and Relationships

In my dating life, I had an achievement mindset as well. Everything was a competition, and I didn’t want to experience heartbreak because that would mean I had lost. So, I protected my shell and became very guarded. 

Fast forward a few years—I was working 70 hours a week in corporate America. I was in my mid-20s, had a boyfriend, worked out every day, and ate an extremely healthy diet. Even with this healthy regimen, my body started failing, and I was in pain. I took a lot of Advil to keep from buckling over at my desk. Stoically, I went on this way for a couple of weeks before I saw a doctor. 

Health Crisis

It turns out that I had a huge mass in my uterus, about 25 centimeters. My physician was shocked that I had let it go so far without addressing the pain. 

After the first operation, I did everything my doctor said and more. I reduced my stress level, ate vegan, and saw an acupuncturist. I got a health coach and guzzled vitamins. I tried to do all the right things, but I never slowed down or dropped into what was happening in my body. And it wasn’t sustainable.

Over the next five years, I had four surgeries as they found new growths. After each surgery, it would take me 6 to 12 months just to be able to stand up straight from all the scar tissue. After the fourth round, I thought, I cannot do it like this anymore; I have to try something else.

Exploring Femininity, A New Perspective

A health coach told me that I needed to cultivate my feminine side. I didn't know what that meant, but I looked online and found something called Orgasmic Meditation, which talked about finding a union of the masculine and feminine. I decided to try it to help me balance those aspects of myself. OM helped me slow down, get out of a production and competition mindset, and connect with my body and what I was feeling. It gave me the ability to be present, to see nature, and to feel the beauty around me. 

I used to get a real hit from achieving and accomplishing things—it was what made me feel alive. Now, after OMing, it’s about being present and noticing the world around me. It's a new way of living—one that allows me to live in full color.

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