Eros Platform logo

Leaving Shame Behind

by Armin Ahmadi

I was a hungry person. Despite a strong spiritual practice, a satisfying creative outlet, and two children I was deeply devoted to, the one area that wasn't working in my life was my marriage. My wife and I went into all kinds of counseling, and I tried to approach the issues through psychology and bodywork practices, but the relationship continued to fall apart.

Unspoken Desires

One of the problems was that I felt ashamed of desiring people besides my wife, and I couldn't speak about it. Those hidden desires built up to the point where I had an affair. It was a completely damaging thing to do. But there was so much confusion, shame, and pressure inside me, and the communication with my wife was breaking down. Meanwhile, I was afraid that if someone found out what I was like, that this is who I really am, I'd be totally rejected. The more I concealed and lied, the messier the situation became. 

We got to a point where my wife found a boyfriend on the Internet, and he moved in with us. When she left, we had a huge fight about what would happen with the kids and with our house. I was devastated. I had dedicated a lot of my life to my family, giving up much of my work as an artist in order to be a father. That's when I dove into a process of research about relationships. I wanted to figure out what had gone wrong and try to heal that pain. My search led me to Orgasmic Meditation (OM).

Healing Shame Through OM

I'm not sure what the difference is between excitement and fear, but I definitely felt one or both when I had my first OM. I don't remember much of what happened. Afterward, I floated out of the room and cycled home, and I don't think my bike had wheels. It was an extraordinary feeling. I remember my second OM experience was more grounded, and my attention more attuned. 

Through my Orgasmic Meditation practice, as I gradually became more present and focused, I experienced a healing of the sense of shame. Orgasmic Meditation helps you access the places where you have the greatest shame; that element was vital to my healing. 

Unashamed

Besides shame about the urges I had during marriage, I had grown up with the message that, as a man, I was naturally objectifying women, and that was bad, bad, bad. In Orgasmic Meditation (OM), it became clear to me that women have desires as well. I didn't know that -- at least not until Orgasmic Meditation, when I experienced what happens when the finger and the clitoris connect, and both of you want to move in the same direction, which is toward sensation. I realized desire is not something to be ashamed of. 

For years, I was trying to be a good son for my parents and a good husband for my wife. I was trying to be a decent person and not be rude and all those kinds of things. But it seemed like all the trying wasn't enough to make my life work. What works is not being ashamed of myself. 

Orgasmic Meditation and Vipassana

When I met other people who were OMing, I discovered a feeling of abundance. It was okay to want to OM. It was okay to ask for it and talk about it. I could be real about whatever it was I wanted. Instead of hiding myself, I had the freedom to be out in the open. 

I already had an established Vipassana meditation practice, which is about fine observation of physical sensations. Orgasmic Meditation was an extension of that practice. In order to train the mind for Vipassana, I started by learning to focus the attention on a very small area, noticing the breath moving in and out of the nostrils. I understood Orgasmic Meditation (OM) as being a version of that practice, except that the small area of focus is the tip of the finger or the clitoris.

In Vipassana, we then went on to scan the body and feel sensations throughout the body, just as in Orgasmic Meditation. Vipassana also includes a practice of generating lovingkindness towards people, which we do in a similar way by connecting with the OM partner. The main difference between the two practices is that Orgasmic Meditation is done in connection with another person. Orgasmic Meditation released the pent-up pressure of my desire and spilled that energy into all my interactions with people, bringing insights and new confidence.

Moving Forward

Now I'm looking after my kids and living alone. I have the legacy of my children, which is always my main focus. I'm getting on with things I feel good about. When I get involved in an intimate relationship, I always teach my partner the practice of Orgasmic Meditation. It's a really useful modality that has taught me it’s okay to be real and own who I am. 

Related Stories
When I’m Vulnerable I Feel More Connected
by Clayton Cone
I grew up in a pretty typical upper-middle-class, white household. My dad was a police officer, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, ... see more
5 min Read
The Discipline of Practice
by Becky
My life used to be super linear, with a well-defined structure. You were supposed to check off boxes: get married, have kids, s... see more
6 min Read
Approval For My Anger & Deepest Desires
by Nick Zaitsev
I emigrated from Russia to London with my family at age 15. To survive the transition, I learned to project a tough, macho kind... see more
4 min Read
Slowing Down to Feel
by Noah
Mine was the ideal American life. I had a wife and three kids, a big house, and a high-level position in a bustling start-up. I... see more
4 min Read
Surrendering To Have It All
by David
The last 12 years of my marriage were very strained because of my business and other obligations. I became more and more hidden... see more
5 min Read
The Art of Paying Attention
by Sean
I remember this particular day years ago. I picked up my wife's kids from school, gave them a snack, and started making dinner.... see more
5 min Read
Freedom and Permission
by Audrey Steele
When I moved to San Francisco in my twenties, I felt free to do whatever I wanted. I was raised in a conventional, middle-class... see more
5 min Read
No Longer Afraid to Speak or Be Noticed
by JB Alexander
The first man I lived with was a lot like my parents. Doug was checking all the boxes, and so I was I. We lived in a house I ha... see more
7 min Read
My Body Came Back to Life
by Linghong
Before I found OM - Orgasmic Meditation, I always felt a hunger. I grew up in China, in a culture where children were supposed ... see more
5 min Read