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I Like Things Complicated

by Stephen Taddeo

I came to Orgasmic Meditation (OM) because of my wife, Karla.  We had had this long, off-and-on romance for years before we got married.  The issue that kept coming up was always the same: I couldn’t open up and connect.  She wanted me to reveal myself, and that was still the last thing I wanted to do.  I had gotten so accustomed to shutting down that even on those occasions when I wanted to reveal myself, I couldn’t.

Communication Barrier

Right before I started Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I remember sitting on the couch with her one night.  We put on some music, music I knew she liked.  She smiled at me and leaned forward. I knew she wanted something from me, and I just felt this incredible frustration well up in me.  I couldn’t break through to connecting with her, to showing her my real self.  I also couldn’t grasp what she really wanted.  It was so painful not to have any way to reach her. It was like she spoke only Chinese, and I spoke only French.  There was just not enough common ground.

It was a mentor of mine who suggested Orgasmic Meditation to me.  I knew something needed to shift – and I admit, I liked the idea of learning something new about the erotic, which had always been my favorite subject. 

My First Orgasmic Meditation

My first Orgasmic Meditation, though – that was tough.  I like things complicated.  The more complicated I can make it, the more I can work on solving it, like a long and elegant logic problem, and the more I can distract myself from my anxiety.  Stroking a woman is the exact opposite.  It’s one single act.  There’s no elaborate build-up. My brain had nothing else to focus on except this one woman.  It was frightening because I couldn’t solve it like a puzzle.  I just had to be there.

It didn’t take me long to appreciate the paradox of Orgasmic Meditation, at least as it applied to me.  My problem had always been this inability to let down my guard.  In Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I’m stroking a woman who has literally taken off half her clothes and allowed me to touch her genitals.  She’s the one exposed – but her vulnerability communicates with something in me, and somehow, I start opening up.  I felt it the first time, and I still feel it just about every time I OM.

Joy of Being Witnessed

Through Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I was able to come out and show myself. I discovered that being seen and witnessed was my greatest joy. It’s what I had always wanted but never been able to access. All I want now is to be open and not hide my feelings. It's so incredibly liberating.

So, not long after I started Orgasmic Meditation, I found myself back on the couch with Karla.  We were listening to music again, and I knew what she wanted this time.  She wanted to dance, be held, and sway around the room.  I didn’t have to be a mind reader – I just knew.  Instead of finding a reason not to do it, I just opened my arms, and she stepped into them. We danced.  I felt so much joy, and I could feel myself feeding her with my joy.

Sharing Vulnerabilities

That all sounds almost too easy, right?  Well, the part of me that likes complicated has come to see that there’s plenty of complexity about the erotic.  For example, I still struggle a lot with jealousy.  Sometimes, I’m embarrassed by it as it seems illogical or something I should have outgrown, but there it is. It comes up, and it can be so intense.  Before Orgasmic Meditation (OM), I never shared with anyone if I was jealous. Now, I can. 

With Karla, for example, it comes up sometimes.  I’ve learned that if I share what I’m thinking and feeling, she’ll be able to receive it.  She even says, “Thank you, thank you” when I tell her – not because she thinks I should be jealous, but because she can hear that I really do have strong feelings.  And for someone who used to hide out so much and be so shut down?  It makes me feel fully human and allows me to show my humanness to others.  Orgasmic Meditation gave that to me.

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