by Eugenia
Growing up, I was trained to believe that if I was going to do something, I had to do it perfectly. Today, I’m at the director level in corporate business, so I consistently interact with executive vice presidents and VPs and presidents. And when you walk into a room of suits, and you're a pretty woman, there’s always this judgment, this question of “Is she smart enough?” I know it's a distorted view. Nonetheless, I always felt I had to prove myself.
I had to dress conservatively and speak conservatively. Yet, at the same time, there was this desire to look pretty. I didn't want to have to wear black suits and button-up blouses constantly. Part of me longed to be really creative, fluid, and open and not have to disconnect my sense of self as a beautiful woman from my sense of self as a professional. God forbid somebody wouldn’t consider me intelligent enough and not take me seriously!
There was this constant struggle, a sense of burden, and never feeling safe. As a sensitive person, there was no safety. I could feel the eyes, interest, and judgment, and I would have to hide myself while sitting in a boardroom, disconnected from my confidence and full self.
I came to Orgasmic Meditation after listening to a talk by the founder. I was intrigued hearing her talk about feminine sexuality and women becoming empowered in their bodies, feeling the energy, the turn-on, at all times, no matter what was happening. I wanted that. I wanted to be that way no matter what. So, I went to an Introduction to OM—Orgasmic Meditation class in New York.
Because of how the practice was set up, my first Orgasmic Meditation felt safe. It was 15 minutes. There would be a beginning, a middle, and an end. There were certain instructions. I knew what to expect.
At first, I couldn't feel much—some pressure and almost a feeling of sharp glass against my clitoris. It wasn't pleasurable, and my partner was also a new stroker. So it felt messy. But it didn't scare me or put me off. I figured if it were a practice, it would just take a few more times to feel turned on and feel a connection with my body and my partner. I wanted to peel off the layers of conditioning that were keeping me from that—the distortions that were keeping me from really enjoying pleasure.
Initially, I was more comfortable OMing with people I didn't like because I didn't have to perform. Deep down inside, I wanted to be perfect, so with people I liked, I worried about my performance and would freeze. I had some shame around my body because I didn't think I was skinny enough. I didn't like my body to some degree, and I didn’t have a great relationship with food. Getting past how my body looked and performance fear was a big practice for me. Learning to ask for adjustments and learning to say “Yes” or “No” to something helped me open up and melt some of that frozen factor inside of me.
It’s taken me a good three years of practice to get past the distorted image I had of perfection. I can’t put my finger on the timing, but my concerns just started to disappear. A wonderful thing happens in the practice. I lie down, and I'm uncomfortable and thinking about something. All of a sudden, instead of worrying about how I look, I actually begin to feel like I am in that place of relaxation. I can feel safe and let my mind drop into the sensation at my clitoris. When I do that, all of a sudden, that sensation turns into something pleasurable, electric, soft, and tender. There were times I would cry when my body would open and relax, and my mind would stop thinking about how terrible I was.
And then there came the day when I looked in the mirror and said, “Oh, you look great.” All those preconceived notions, stories, and judgments had disappeared. I could look at myself clearly, not through a distorted mirror, and actually love myself.
It took time to realize I didn't have to hide who I was. I would walk into a boardroom or some meeting where I would be scared, and then I would think, “What do I have to be afraid of?" That confidence came from my practice, from discovering who I am and letting go of the judgment of who I think I'm supposed to be. Why would I be afraid to speak up in some meeting or judge myself about how I dress?
Training myself to connect with somebody in a vulnerable space allowed me to feel less uncomfortable with my vulnerability in other spaces, whether working or with my parents or friends. All of a sudden, my sexuality just became a part of me. I no longer wear suits. I walk into the room in a classy dress while everyone else is wearing suits, and I'm just as confident and outspoken as I can be. I don't have to prove myself any longer. I have confidence because I know how to connect with myself, no matter where I am. It doesn't matter what I wear.
Five years later, a lot of things happened in my life. But I have this steady place in my body I can go to no matter what is happening on the outside. That is the result of the Orgasmic Meditation practice. When I face a stressful situation, I can land in that safe space in my body and then deal with the stressful situation without freezing.
Orgasmic Meditation is a very simple, structured practice that allows me to find intimacy and connection within myself. Once I have that, the outside world is there to meet me.
