I grew up a Fundamentalist Christian in the American South, where sex was reserved for one reason and one reason only: procreation. That’s how I was trained. So, I stayed abstinent. I stayed pure. I got married three times just so I could have sex. However, I wasn’t equipped with the emotions that came with having an intimate relationship. Not long after my third divorce, I learned about Orgasmic Meditation. I really wanted something different and meaningful. I didn’t know you could do such a thing, and it seemed really attractive.
I was nervous before my first OM, but I was more intrigued than anything, and in a way, I was proud. I saw it as a beautiful thing I was doing for myself, as something that I, as an adult woman, had wanted and had asked for. I had given myself permission for this. Life as a Southern woman had been one big no. I was saying yes for the first time in my life (except those three times on the altar).
Even though it was only 15 minutes in that first OM, it seemed like a long time. However, it felt liberating to be able to make adjustments, to say, “Would you stroke a little lighter?” or, “Would you move to the left?” I’d always been taught to lay back and just take it. Before, in all of my relationships, I was taught to think that anything involving my genitals was just for him. That as long as he was happy, I should be happy. Whatever I did to make my husband happy, I never felt included. I felt like I was in a world I got to visit occasionally. A man’s world.
At the end of my first OM, my partner did what’s called the final grounding, which consisted of placing his hands above my genitals and putting some firm pressure down. This helped me to feel more grounded at the end of the OM. Out of nowhere, I started to cry. I cried, and I cried, and it changed my life. The care, attention, and deliberateness of the whole OM touched something in me that I hadn’t known before.
I practice grounding myself now in everyday life. When I’m getting news that could be bad, or I’m getting ready to get on a plane, anytime life gets to be too much, I’ll ground myself. I’ll press on my thighs, or my knee, or my stomach, subconsciously. It helps me feel my feelings without getting overwhelmed or leaving my body. I first realized the power of grounding at a dance practice. We were on the floor rolling and doing our normal exercises, and I realized, ‘Oh my God! We’re grounding.’
The concept of creating containers, or having a set of agreements and following them, has had a huge impact on my relationships. My boyfriend and I have such an incredible relationship. It’s better than any of my marriages, and I attribute at least part of that to our ability to communicate boundaries and agreements. We set up a conscious container before we even walked into the relationship, and now it feels like we have this vast playground to explore.
He and I just moved into a small place in Australia, and beforehand, we created a very conscious container as if either of us was feeling claustrophobic; he would go for a walk on the beach, and I would go read a book. I remember I told some of my friends about it, and they were surprised, commenting that even married people don’t do that. Having been married three times, I told them that if they knew what a container was and the importance of it, they would.
In OM, at the end of the practice, we share a frame, which is sharing a visceral experience of the OM with each other. My boyfriend and I do that after each OM, and we’ve also brought that practice into our daily lives. One day in yoga class, noticing that the teacher was feeling overwhelmed by the size of the class, my boyfriend jumped up to help set up all the mats without being asked. In the car ride afterwards, I shared how when he saw that the teacher needed some help and he got up to put out the mats, I felt proud of his attentiveness and service. Our ride home felt sweet and connected from sharing that frame.
Coming from a fundamentalist family, I always felt like I was the problem. Like I was Eve, eating the apple and causing herself and Adam to be cast out from the Garden of Eden. My experience is OM is a practice that takes me into my body, where I get to feel how whole and complete I am, just as I am. The practice has altered my life story beyond recognition. My life is so full now, and when I think about it, I can see how I’ve built it, day by day, since that very first OM.
