Growing up, I was a chameleon. I wanted to fit in so much that I would try to be whatever other people wanted me to be. Even as I got older, I didn't speak my mind a lot. Sometimes, I ended relationships because I couldn't deal with how others talked or behaved. I didn't know I could tell them what I wanted them to say or do. At the same time, I was afraid to talk to more experienced people because I was worried they'd see me as naïve or ignorant.
I wasn't adventurous about how I looked or acted. Despite working as a producer in the entertainment industry, where people get promoted by looking a certain way, I didn't play into the stereotypical feminine role. I didn’t wear heels or push-up bras. I just wanted to get my work done and do it well. Organization was important to me and gave me a sense of being in control.
Pleasing people gave me a sense of control, too, however illusory. It ruled my interactions with men. I had a pattern of finding guys who were good-looking but selfish. These men didn't have the patience to consider my needs and inner life. I got satisfaction from pleasing them, and I chose men who would be content to meet their needs without any interest in giving me emotional or physical fulfillment.
I kept thinking the same thing over and over: But what about me? I didn't know how to ask for what I needed, partly because I had no idea what I needed. Finally, I got tired of picking the wrong guys. I decided something had to change. Over the last five years, I've done a lot of work around personal development. Orgasmic Meditation was a big part of teaching me that it's not up to someone else to make me happy. I have to take responsibility for my own happiness.
With its focus on the intense sensations in the clitoris, Orgasmic Meditation taught me to be aware of feelings in the moment. I stopped worrying about the other person. By asking for adjustments in how the stroker touched me, I learned to figure out what I needed at any given moment and to ask for that need to be met. I let go of the inner dialogue, making judgments about myself or the other person. Anything I really needed to say was immediately expressed.
My first OM (Orgasmic Meditation) was especially challenging because I'm a germaphobe, and my partner was sweating like crazy. His sweat dripped on me while he spent several minutes fumbling with the gloves, trying to get them on. Ordinarily, I would've freaked out and left a situation like that, but the fact that I stayed made me realize I could be more adventurous than I thought.
The OM (Orgasmic Meditation) container gave me enough confidence to give up the need to be in control. The container consists of rules and steps that enable us to know what will happen in the OM. It sets a time limit of fifteen minutes, so we know when it will end. I felt free to surrender within those boundaries and stay with the sensations.
Once I had practiced surrendering within the container, the ability to stay in the moment began to manifest in my life outside of OM. I've learned to have satisfying conversations with all kinds of people. I can talk about anything with anyone, whether I like them or not. Instead of making assumptions about them or going off into thoughts about what they think of me, I ask questions. Being in the moment means paying attention to them and my curiosity about them. I find out how they feel and what they want. I can make a connection by getting into the essentials of who they are.
My relationship life is still developing. It's about staying present, saying what I want, and using my voice. Can I really just be in the moment of it, not in my head? I go to my head a lot; I analyze. One of the things that I created through my Orgasmic Meditation practice is if an internal thought recurs, I have to speak it. In an OM, if I think I want my partner to move his finger to the left, I have to make the request out loud.
After practicing it in Orgasmic Meditation for a while, I could apply this in other areas of my life, at work or with my friends. I have a new level of self-possession; I’m the driver of my life and responsible for my happiness. Others can do things that make me happy, but my happiness is not anyone else's responsibility. Fully giving myself over to that truth has been a great source of relief.
