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Goalless Connection

by Joe Rabinowitz

Looking back at the blur of the first 35 years of my life before I discovered OM seven years ago, I see that I was always trying to achieve something. I was extremely goal-oriented and had terrible ADD, with little attention to give to anything else. It was, go to college, go to law school, become a lawyer, make partner. That was my life.

Discovering OM

When I learned to OM, I was able to drop into the richness of the moment. I wouldn’t have been able to achieve that mindfulness without the potency of the practice of Orgasmic Meditation. It was pretty strong medicine for an attorney in Beverly Hills, a guy who was all over the place. I needed that medicine.

When I first heard about OM, I was still married. The intimacy between me and my then-wife was lacking. I was also not living a healthy life—I drank too much, smoked too much, and did drugs on occasion. I was struggling with alcoholism and addiction. But at that period in my life, I was trying to figure out how to enhance the level of intimacy in my marriage.

I stumbled upon the OM website, and I became fascinated by this practice. It clearly had a degree of intimacy and spirituality and, for some reason, gave me a feeling of serenity. Even though I didn't know what it was yet, it was very intriguing and mysterious to me.

Community with OM

Yet, since I felt my wife would be confronted by it, I didn’t pursue it, aside from downloading a few OM videos to watch. It wasn’t until about a year and a half later that it came up for me again. I had gone to San Francisco to see a concert, and through a group of friends there, I met a woman who practiced OM. I told her I was fascinated by the practice. Meeting her made it more real to me.

When I got back home, my marriage fell apart over the following six months. After my separation, I reached out to the OMer I’d met in San Francisco and said, I’m interested in learning this practice now. She put me in touch with someone in LA I could talk to. And that’s when I had my first lesson. 

The first step to OMing is asking a partner, “Would you like to OM?” Asking for the first time felt scary. But once I began the practice with this woman, she was very open and guided me through. Still, I remember being anxious about placing my finger on the right spot. Part of what brought me to the practice was not understanding the layout of a woman, including where the clitoris is and how to connect well with a woman in intimate situations. So, I had some insecurities that first time. 

Realizations Through OM

What I came to learn as I practiced more is that there isn’t necessarily such a thing as a wrong stroke. It was more important to create a connection. The other realization I had, which blew my mind, was that OM is goalless in nature. There was no goal of bringing it to a climax or of having sex with this woman. It was just about engaging in the moment itself. 

I see this as a theme that spans my entire experience with OM—learning how to have the presence of mind the mindfulness, to engage in the practice. This is true whether it’s OM or work or even interacting with people in a casual way. There’s no goal of trying to get something from someone. I’m just going to connect with this person to make a connection.

That was revolutionary to me. Until then, my view of the world was very transactional. I don’t think that made me different from a lot of people. A lot of us think that you have to give to get, and you have to get to give, and you have to have a plan. My father used to say, Any plan is better than no plan. If we’re talking about the way that a man treats a woman in this day and age, that mindset can be really challenging. 

Overcoming Transactional Relationships

It’s something that I had to overcome. As a newly single man, I would take women out to fancy dinners, and then I would try to get them into bed. That was the game. There were two problems with that strategy or transaction. One, it was expensive. And two, it was disappointing. Because at the end of the day, you don’t achieve true connection. 

I learned a new level of satisfaction from practicing OM. That came from experiencing OM with different types of partners, many of whom I had tremendous regard for in a non-sexual way. Across the board, OM gave me a deeper understanding of women and the feminine. Something else that all my OM experiences had in common was the ability to be present with another human in a deep connective state. These days, I call on that ability in all aspects of my life. In business meetings, I sometimes call people's attention to the level of connection in a room. Once, that even helped me to negotiate a very complex contract after the mood had turned aggressive. I said to everyone, “Things felt amazing for all of us earlier, and now they don’t feel so good. Let’s rewind and go back to where we were.” I was able to get these guys’ attention to it, and the negotiation was a success.

Connection as a Nutrient

OM, let me see if that connection is a nutrient, like vitamin C or a multivitamin. We need it in order to live. People who lack connection don’t flourish. 

As someone who struggles with substance abuse, I’m looking to fill what a lot of people would refer to as a God-shaped hole. It’s a hole inside of me that feels like nothing in the world can really satisfy me. To fill it, people like me often turn to drugs, alcohol, money, or sex or food. But really, there are two missing ingredients that drive us to fill the God-shaped hole. One is a lack of connection with God. The other is feeling unable to connect with people in a meaningful way. The ability to fill up with that connective nutrient was very helpful in my recovery journey.

I’ve been sober for six years now. OM allowed me to feel a fullness that I couldn’t achieve through any earthly substance. The electrical connection that occurs between human bodies during the course of practice is something that you can’t just achieve through your daily interactions. Not only did my experience within the community help get me back on my feet, but the practice itself was an incredible way for me to replace unhealthy practices with a very healthy feeling of connection.

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