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From Tightly Wound to Soft and Open

by Emma

In my life, it had become clear to me that I had a problem with men and relationships. I’d have short flings with men and then get incredibly upset when they didn’t work out. I was carrying this sense of woundedness around from one man to another. 

On the Brink of Burnout

I didn’t realize how close I was to burning out at the time. I was running on a lot of adrenaline and constantly fatigued. I’d come home from my work at an art charity and drink at least half a bottle of wine each night. Self-medication, I suppose. I was functioning but not healthy.

First OM Experience

My first time trying Orgasmic Meditation was surprising. I had expected it to be all bells and whistles, but I didn’t feel that much, really. It wasn’t until afterward that I realized a change had begun. I would spend hours singing and dancing in my flat, where I had usually been overworking myself. Occasionally, I would spend a whole day crying. I felt quite messy. It felt like I was opening up parts of my nervous system, thawing away trauma, and releasing all the emotions that I had been previously stuffing down.

Positive Changes

As I carried on with the practice, I started to feel more. My body felt brighter. My best friends started to notice a change in me. They told me I seemed more relaxed. Gradually, the bright, vibrant feeling I had been experiencing became how I felt each day, rather than the old adrenalized, stuck-in-my-head, stressed-out way of being.

It’s not that I had a problem feeling things before. I have a degree in Theatre and Drama, and I’ve always been a feeling person. It’s just that my feelings would get stuck as if there wasn’t enough space around them. That’s why I was always stressed and burning out; I had so many feelings I didn’t know what to do with them all.

The longer I’ve practiced OM, the more subtle the practice has become. I don’t experience big shifts in my body like I did at the beginning. The main thing I feel nowadays is a softening and a loosening in myself. It’s as though I used to be a tightly knotted ball of rubber bands. The bands can’t be completely untangled all at once, but it feels like I am gradually creating more space in between them over time and can separate them out and create a little more calm and order.

Intimate Connections

I have experienced a deeper connection between my genitals and my mind and heart. It’s helped to promote a feeling of safety in me, and at the same time, I can be intimate with another person. I can speak my mind in real-time, which proves to me that there are people who can be with all of me, even when I’m feeling vulnerable and raw. They won’t leave me if I tell them how I feel.

OM has also gradually changed my relationship with my mum. I can be much softer with her now when she’s complaining. I can see that underneath, there’s someone quite hurt. I can stay present in situations that would have triggered me before.

Personal Growth

I’m not sure that I’ve been entirely “fixed,” but I have more tools to deal with areas I thought were problematic in my life now. A lot of things have fallen away. I changed my whole career. I dropped unhealthy, codependent relationships, and I feel more intimately connected to the people I spend my time with. I’m good at removing myself from situations that don’t feel good. I’m better able to prioritize my body and feelings. I always thought I had to make things happen with my head, but the trick is actually to stay in flow.

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