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From Digital Isolation to Taking Risks in Life

by Nathanael Horton

I like to say that my life started at age 30. You’ll see why.

I come from a unique background. My mother is from the highlands of Guatemala, and my father is half German, half Welsh, and Jewish. His father escaped the Holocaust, and my dad was born in Canada and grew up in New Jersey. My mother is very religious, and my father, who is a doctor, is an atheist with a very scientific, materialist kind of worldview. I tend towards self-discovery and spirituality.

Personal Struggles

My sister is autistic, and she became very violent as she got older. Often, the police would show up. She’d scream endlessly and bite me and spit on me. One time, she threw hot coffee in my face. The crescendo for me came in my mid-20s when she went to my room and trashed all my computer equipment. My father was also occasionally physically violent and emotionally distant.

Growing up, I felt neglected and abandoned. By the time I was in my twenties, I had PTSD. My autonomic nervous system was out of whack, and I had fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I experienced difficulty breathing; it was hard to get my right arm to move, hard to walk, hard to balance and sit up. I experienced negative, intrusive thoughts and had very bad nightmares, along with depression and hypomania. It was rough. 

Coping Mechanisms

Not surprisingly, I used marijuana and alcohol heavily and was a loner. I stayed alone in my room playing computer games for over a decade. That was my life—a virtual life. Obviously, that meant I wasn’t dating and had no regular friends. It was hard to even imagine going from my online life to sharing intimacy with a woman in real life. It was easier to view porn online, even though I felt a lot of shame about it. I knew that it was negatively affecting my emotional state and my outlook on women and relationships. I was basically mated to my computer.

Yet, I had just turned 30 and wanted to do something radical and different. A friend at work recommended the practice of Orgasmic Meditation, and I looked it up online. OM seemed to be just the ticket.

Discovering OM

My first OM was with an older woman. I was nervous and very tense. I emphasized that it was my first time. I don’t remember many particulars of that first time other than sitting in the nest with her and stroking. But whenever I saw her again after that, we always had great rapport.

After that first time, I committed to OM with anyone I asked or anyone who asked me. I didn’t place any limits on it, and I found it was a very valuable approach. It gave me access to a large range of experiences. There were women I had a crush on and women that were not attractive to me. I OMed with women who were suffering similar mental problems as me, facing similar challenges. 

Every time was different. Sometimes, there was a sense of communion. Sometimes, I felt like I was being nourished by the connection and other times, I was so out of it and disconnected from my body that I struggled to find any words to describe what I felt afterward. There were also times of strong, easy connection and OMs that were like experiencing fireworks inside my body, very hot and visceral. They were all very amazing experiences, and I cherish them.

Now, I am married to a woman who OMs. It helped us discover our compatibility early on in the relationship. It was incredibly important that we could talk about our individual needs and desires and our desires for the relationship. We got married in February.

Gratitude for OM

Aside from the great relationship with my wife, I am really grateful to OM for many other things. To this day, I’m still learning about the value of the container. I can see how valuable it is for people to feel safe and have boundaries to open up and experience receiving. Learning about a woman’s anatomy and knowing what works and what doesn’t was an obviously valuable asset to acquire. The noticing steps, the verbal communication, and the check-in afterward all proved so valuable to me.

I developed a mantra for myself that has its origin in my experiences with Orgasmic Meditation. In no particular order, it’s just three basic things. 

Slow down. Lean into fear. Ask for what you want. 

That's pretty great advice if you ask me.

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