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From China to The Bay: Opening To Desire

by Tiff Lin

I was born in Taiwan and lived there with my grandmother before I came to New Jersey and met the rest of my family when I was three. I had a sister and brother and didn't really see my parents together a lot because my father was working in China all through my childhood. So, there were not any models for deep connection and intimacy or consistent attention. 

Turbulent 20s

I was always a good girl, getting good grades, and I kept to myself. I was definitely a crier and felt really emotionally sensitive. But I was also a tomboy. People used to confuse my brother and me a lot because he was actually more feminine, and I was more boisterous. Frankly, I didn't really have a concept of gender. I was just being myself. There were definitely instances growing up where my mom wanted me to be more like a lady. Even after I left home, she'd leave me voicemails on my phone, saying, “Be like a lady and less like a man. Okay? Bye.”

My 20s were a blur of existence. I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to feel like I was missing out on something, so I hooked up with a lot of random men. I didn't know why I couldn't stop. I always felt really weird afterward, as if they were taking something from me. I think I just hoped to find someone who could help me or fix me. I wasn’t aware of really being in my body or of feeling anything fully. I was 27 and had never done anything with a man except perform for him.

First Relationship with a Woman

I moved to China for three years to work for my father and had my first relationship with a woman there. She was in Taiwan, so it was a long-distance relationship that lasted for a year. The intimacy and passion were more intense than with men, but I still had a hard time letting myself go. It was so easy for her, and I would think, “Wow, this is beautiful!” And I would receive pleasure just giving pleasure, which was enough until it wasn't. Eventually, I got tired of always being in the giving position. At the same time, I wasn’t very forthcoming. I didn’t let her in. I think she really wanted me to trust her enough to talk about the pain and insecurity and the levels of unhappiness I was experiencing living in China and working for my father. But I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone someone else. 

When a friend got married in San Francisco, I flew over and stayed. I've always been of the mindset that I'm going to live my life how I'm going to live it. I didn't have a queer community on the East Coast growing up, and living in China, I was completely closeted. Moving to San Francisco inspired a healthy gender exploration. I think I got into Orgasmic Meditation because I just didn't want to feel so alone. I was looking for a community and something, but I wasn’t sure what. So when a guy I met told me about Orgasmic Meditation, I went for it. There was a practice that would allow me to practice receiving!

Discovering Orgasmic Meditation

After I started Orgasmic Meditation, I put a lot of pressure on myself to climax, and I think it was eight months before I actually felt the finger on my clitoris in an OM—really felt it. And it felt like three cups of coffee rushing through me. Slowly, I began to let go of the pressure to reach climax and placed more attention on feeling the sensations. Finally, in one session, I experienced different ranges of pressure and speed in so many different places, and it unlocked something. I just broke down and sobbed, realizing how extremely complex I was and how I didn’t have to hold on to so much anymore. I had this powerful release where I was being transmuted, lifted, and optimized. All the ancestral shame I had stored and didn’t want to look at—releasing that gave my whole body new breath and lightness.

I think the act of just lying down and opening my legs to receive 15 minutes of undivided attention in a safe setting has enabled me to experience and understand my being without having to explain myself. Now, I no longer feel angry or upset or wonder why it's so hard for me to feel anything. I just know that’s how I’m wired and that I am learning to be able to lean in and feel what is there to feel. I am able to cry more and express more anger and joy. I have come more fully into my body.

Inner Feminine & Masculine

Orgasmic Meditation has helped me open up and attract the partner I feel really good with. Today, I am in a devoted and close relationship with my current partner, and it's amazing. There has been such a tremendous amount of healing that I can now be more vulnerable and honest. I am able to experience a deeper level of commitment and devotion. I also feel like my relationship with my inner feminine and inner masculine has come into balance. Professionally, it's helped me share who I am with my community. Learning about energetic attunement and pleasure, in particular learning how to receive, is what I want other folks to be able to have, too. And it feels good passing it on.

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