by Stan
My wife and I just weren’t synced up. She’d go to bed early; I’d stay up late watching shows. So, I began to spend my late hours listening to podcasts about intimacy and relationships and researching on the Internet. I was searching for a way to find fulfillment. I had a growing awareness that this relationship wasn’t working. It was like something slowly accumulated over time. I didn’t know what to do about it, and the conversations I tried to have about it didn’t go very well.
Then, one night, in my search, I found a podcast about Orgasmic Meditation. It felt tangible because it was about intimacy but wasn’t about sex. It also fits within the agreements of our relationship. Being a meditator, I liked that it was a meditation practice. It was simple and seemed like it might be practical because it was more about practicing something personal rather than starting a relationship with someone.
I wanted to try the practice. I took a class and then found someone to partner with so I could try it. I recently met them and was nervous, excited, and curious. I could hardly think. Everything was very heightened. I remember I had a lot of anxiety, but it was still magical. It had opened a door. It was completely different from what I had been doing up to that point. I had created permission for my own desires, and it opened the door for me to see that I could take steps to fulfill my own needs and desires.
Interestingly, as I continued to do the practice, I started to learn about my nervous system. My nervousness about getting it right was so strong, even after getting to know a partner. The energy of the practice amplified everything. I began tuning into my own fear, and I realized I was wrestling with fear a lot. I began to breathe with it and noticed it. It was highlighting something about my body. The practice allowed me to revisit my body again and again and see each subtle shift- when I was more relaxed and when I was more on edge. I began learning about connection with my partners and developed a growing sensory ability to communicate with them.
There was a sense of an ebb and flow, a subtle form of communication. It was beautiful seeing my sensitivity to that kind of communication grow. I remember the extraordinary sensitivity of feeling each microscopic motion of my finger and the prickling, energetic spark that was present at the tip of my finger. So subtle. And yet so deep. OM was an important piece of my progression. It was a gateway to expressing myself. I was aware that this part of my life is so important to me. And letting go of the shame of claiming that life for myself.
This was the breaking of the dam of going with my own flow. OM became a laboratory for seeing how I relate to another person in real-time. And everything would slow down. It became an awareness practice. But the biggest healing element was its ritual, which created a predictably safe environment in which to practice. It would lower my anxious responses, and I could get in and notice how my nervous system feels and what happens when I breathe. Or, I could imagine I was fine and safe and see what happened from that point of view.
In the end, my marriage ended. Once I’d opened the door to my desires, I was eventually able to have the conversation with my wife about opening up to other partners, but after a few years, that was not what she wanted. I wanted to learn from life and other people and something different. So that was the end of our marriage. I feel like I’m on my path, and while there is still grief sometimes, it’s the only way. It’s life, and I’m living my life, and that’s very important and true.
I now feel closer to my purpose. I desire to use what I’ve learned to help others with their intimacy. My ex-wife and I are still in business together, and I am working towards helping others with their relationships, intimacy, and desire.
