by Lucy
Before I started practicing Orgasmic Meditation, I had a history of childhood abuse that had marred my relationship with my body. I couldn’t experience pleasure. Most of the time, in physical experiences, I would numb out and leave my body.
I met this man, fell in love, and got married. I remembered our wedding night, walking up the stairs to our honeymoon suite, hoping things would be different. I hope our love for each other will transform my past. But once we got into bed, the flashbacks started. I was transported right back to my past. I could no longer even see my husband. I began shouting at him that he was just a man and that I hated him. “Get off me!” I shrieked, “Don’t touch me!”
When I came back to myself, I remember the pain in his eyes. I thought, ‘What am I doing? He is not my abuser.’ I was so sick of being haunted by these men from the past. I committed to doing whatever it would take to heal and be able to enjoy physical closeness with my husband.
My search for healing brought me to Orgasmic Meditation. OM was definitely not a conventional modality of healing, but my instincts told me that there was something in it for me. I met some women who had an Orgasmic Meditation (OM) practice and started speaking to them and telling them about me. They could empathize with my journey to feeling wholeness, as they had also faced similar situations from their pasts. I could feel their love and compassion for my story, and I was inspired by the freedom they seemed to have around their bodies and their relationships, so I decided to try OM.
In my first OM, I felt nervous and doubted whether this would do anything for me. However, the practice's container —the fact that it was only 15 minutes and had a set of protocols for myself and my partner to follow—felt safe and supportive. When I got in position, I felt I could trust the container and let go. Something released, and I began to cry. For five months, I cried.
I wish I could say that what I experienced was pleasurable, but it was uncomfortable at times. I just knew that something was happening to my body, a letting go, and healing was taking place. As I continued to OM, eventually, the tears subsided, and I began to notice subtler sensations in my body: warmth in my genitals, fluttering in my chest. My OM partner once commented that when we first started OMing, he could barely touch me without my mentioning that I was uncomfortable, and now I was asking him for more pressure. Eventually, the sensation in my genitals began to radiate to the rest of my body.
Orgasmic Meditation (OM) helped strengthen my marriage. We became more intimate through my healing journey. My husband was very supportive and started to notice the changes in me. Over time, I was able to experience pleasure with him; I remember how much I could feel and how relaxed I was in my body. Although the flashbacks haven’t disappeared entirely, I have more control over them, and I can communicate when they’re happening.
I recalled once, after years of being in therapy, that there was a moment when I felt my heart defrost. That helped me to realize that OM was defrosting my body the way therapy had defrosted my heart. Today, I feel so much more present in my body. I feel alive and open.
I am so thankful for Orgasmic Meditation. I’m thankful I get to have the experience of being deeply connected to my own true self. I’m thankful for the physical layers of trauma that have been released from my body. I’m thankful that I am able to enjoy my body now. Most of all, I’m thankful that I get to own my life.
