Eros Platform logo

Asking for What I Want

by Carole Vaporean

“Sit down,” my husband said. I knew something bad was coming.

“I’ve found my soulmate,” he said. For a millisecond, I thought this was his awkward way of trying to be romantic with me.  And then it hit me – he was leaving.  We’d been married for 13 years and together for a decade before that.  I wasn’t the right one for him. I was devastated.

It took a while, but I realized that he had been right: I wasn’t his soulmate, and he wasn’t mine.  That was as much my responsibility as his.  I had always had a very hard time saying what I wanted or what I thought.  That was true at work, where I put in overtime without asking to be compensated. And it was true in my marriage.

Unequal Household Dynamics

A typical Sunday evening with my ex-husband would find him watching a Star Wars movie for the 38th time while I’d be in the kitchen cooking. I worked more hours outside the house than he did, and I did all the work at home, too.  I’d get irritated, but I hardly ever asked for help.  And when I did ask, he would come in the kitchen, do a mediocre job, then walk out before it was finished.  I couldn’t find the words to ask him to stick with the task or adjust to what he was doing.  I’d resent him – and I’d resent myself for not being able to find the words to tell him what I needed.

Discovering Orgasmic Meditation

A few months after my ex left, another newly divorced friend told me about a practice she'd found called Orgasmic Meditation.  She told me that as a result of having her clitoris stroked deliberately for 15 minutes in a meditation practice, she’d found the confidence to go and ask her boss for a raise – a raise he ultimately gave her. 

I was slightly scandalized. But I was also curious about OM, and I did some searching online the next day.  Soon, I signed up for my first workshop to learn about the practice.  I took to the practice immediately but realized I had some misconceptions about what it would give me. I was expecting the men in OM to flock to me, and that didn’t happen. For a long time, I was frustrated because I was looking for a healthy romantic relationship, and I figured why not with another person who OMs.  What I eventually saw was that I was being passive, waiting to be chosen by the right guy, the way I always had.  That dynamic wasn’t going to work anymore.  I’d been so used to waiting to be asked out; what OM taught me was that nothing was going to change until I started asking for what I wanted.  That was true in my work, too – I’d never stop working overtime if I waited for my boss to realize I was overextended. I had to name that for myself and ask to have assignments taken off my plate.

Learning to Make Requests

The way I learned to ask was through making requests or adjustments to my OM partners. I got really good at verbally guiding my partner to exactly where to put his finger and how to adjust his tempo.  Soon, I had no trouble being very direct with my feedback during an OM.  After a while, some of my regular OM partners started to thank me – for being explicit about what I wanted. It took pressure off--they no longer needed to read my mind and do it right.  They felt so much more effective, as though they knew how to win with me.  We both got what we needed most when I was open about precisely what I wanted. 

Heightened Senses and Intuition

The other thing that’s shifted in my life is that all of my senses are heightened.  When I go for a run now, I can smell roses from across the street. If I stop to touch them, I can feel the softness of the petals and see the brilliance of the colors in a way I never could before.  It’s like the perception dial has been turned up two notches in my brain.  I’ve always loved cooking, and OM has taken my cooking to a new level. It’s inspired by something from deep within.  My housemates were the first to notice that something had changed; they always ate my food with pleasure, but after I got into OM, their delight intensified. I don’t rely on recipes anymore.  I tap into my intuition, and I find the missing ingredient that makes the food sing.  I trust myself in a totally new way, and from that place, I can ask for what I want and need. It's made my life so much richer and more fulfilling.

Related Stories
Understanding & Expressing My Desire
by Julia Beauchamp
My journey with Orgasmic Meditation in my 20s helped me get clearer about what I really wanted—and helped me learn to express m... see more
5 min Read
I Gained So Much Confidence Through OM
by Melanie
I took society’s path in life, fulfilling everyone else’s desires about what life should look like, getting married, having a r... see more
5 min Read
I Developed More of an Independent Identity
by Jesper
I grew up in a family of seven, with older siblings who didn’t share the same father as me. My older brother would call me a sp... see more
3 min Read
I Learned to Be Present in the Moment
by Deborah Petrille
None of my relationships ever seemed to work out. After a string of “monogamous” relationships that would never actually end up... see more
4 min Read
The Art of Paying Attention
by Sean
I remember this particular day years ago. I picked up my wife's kids from school, gave them a snack, and started making dinner.... see more
5 min Read
The Joy Wasn't Lost After All
by Laurence
I was quite a joyful little girl.  I loved my life.  And at some point, something happened that changed that.  It’s not as if I... see more
6 min Read
Staying Open Through It All
by Francesca Blake
OM was not my first stop. What I mean by that is that I’d spent years studying self-improvement and self-awareness. There are s... see more
5 min Read
Rewired to Think About Other People
by Richard
I had been struggling with depression and unhappiness for years. Not the kind of depression that puts you in a hospital, but mo... see more
4 min Read
My Body is a Truth Meter
by Ann Justi
I’ve always been tremendously independent and self-sufficient. I had a very good home life growing up in Los Angeles, meaning t... see more
5 min Read