Eros Platform logo

A Woman Lit Up

by Kari Abadie Hayes

We never said “I love you” in my family. We never really expressed ourselves and weren't very open with our real feelings. Intimacy just wasn’t available. Whether it was from my family's or society’s influences, I ended up fitting into the good girl mold. In other words, look good, focus on appearances, be pretty, don't really express yourself or have any power. 

Struggles with Intimacy

My way of rebellion was eating. I would stuff myself to oblivion. I easily put on 40 pounds, and it was my way of saying, “screw needing to be this perfect image.” By the time I left home and was living in London, I was really struggling with my body and my eating disorder. I was on a roller coaster of self-destruction with lots of highs and lows. During the highs, I was taking drugs and living a very exciting London life, but then the extreme lows of binge eating and depression would hit, with me eating whole massive cakes at a time. I couldn’t find my path. I was bingeing and bulimic. I was a workaholic and totally out of control.

I had a very difficult time being authentic in intimate relationships. I would date these really attractive men and be quite intimidated by them. So to compensate, during sex, I would writhe around like a porn star in bed, ending up totally unfulfilled. I had this belief that men deserved pleasure, and I didn't. 

Unfulfilling Relationship

When I was 24, I met Owen. The relationship was painful because I knew I wanted him to be the “one,” but I just couldn't be myself with him. I couldn't speak my truth—whatever that was—because I thought he might leave me. I faked orgasm the whole way through and just didn’t feel like I deserved him. We broke up after four years.

About the same time, I burned out at my London job and moved to San Francisco. I wanted to stop the craziness and had come up with this idea of being a “lit up woman,” the kind of woman who was deeply intuitive, wise, powerful, and filled with truth. It was a vision I held of myself in my mind. When I went to my first Orgasmic Meditation class, I saw the women trainers wearing dresses and high heels, but it wasn't their appearance that got my attention; it was the energy they were emitting. They were looking people in the eye, holding their gaze so present with them it was as if no one else was in the room. And all I could think was, “How do you do that?” I was just mesmerized. I remember them sitting in the front of the room and being so free with who they were and what they wanted to say; my mind was blown. And I realized, “I want to have that.”

Discovering My Orgasm's Rhythm

In my first OM - Orgasmic Meditation, I felt hungry for something, and by the end, I felt so seen; I was filled. The fact that the stroker wanted nothing from me, that I didn’t have to give anything back, just amazed me. My rational mind was so challenged by the practice, but my body was yelling at me, “You have to keep giving this to me, please!” I think something in my soul knew it was healing and right for me.

Once I started OMing regularly, I remember learning how to listen to the voice of my orgasm. I'd always assumed from watching porn that your orgasm had to be a certain way. Just knowing that my orgasm had a voice that could be really soft, quiet, and still, sort of simmering away at the bottom like a waiting volcano that had so much power … to realize my body and my orgasm had their own rhythm and that I could connect with how they moved was just amazing. It was like a real softening that helped me connect with myself. 

A Newfound Respect for Men

At the beginning of my practice, I judged the men who came to OM - Orgasmic Meditation as weirdos and geeks who just wanted to touch women's genitals. But the more present I became, the more I was with them in the moment I developed this newfound respect for these amazing men who would OM with me. I felt their intention and realized they were in it for the same reason I was—to understand a woman and understand the female orgasm. Knowing these guys were helping me made me much softer towards men, and a lovely, equal relationship with them developed.

It was a big deal when I left out my hair extensions one day when I was headed to an OM. I always thought my hair was far too thin, so I used extensions. I remember leaving for my stroker’s house one morning, looking at the extensions, thinking, “I don't need to be this image with him. I can just be myself. I don't need this anymore.” And I left them lying there at home. That was a big thing for me, getting beyond the perfect image. I even decided to experiment and not wear makeup for a while.

Becoming A Woman & Eating Disorder

It wasn’t long afterward that I decided to cut all my hair off in a man's short style. My mum and sister were worried about what people would think and figured I’d gone crazy. But it just felt so liberating to take off all the masks and tarnish the image, allowing people to actually see me more. 

Those wonderful women at the company who taught Orgasmic Meditation, whom I so admired, just owned their bodies. I was softly becoming one of them. Becoming softer, taking the masks off, being real with people, and appreciating men—it all happened as a result of OM - Orgasmic Meditation. And the eating disorder I’d had from age 12 until I was about 32, I’m still living with it today—but things are totally different now. After OMing became a regular practice, I remember wanting to go and eat some cake or something late at night in the kitchen like I used to do … and I just remember my body saying to me, “My darling, we're not going to eat this. Just love me.” I heard my body say, “Love me.” 

Rekindled Romance

People sometimes say about Orgasmic Meditation, “You get full with orgasm after some time,” and there really is a filling up that occurs. Through OMing and 12 Steps, dealing with my fear inventory, and saying prayers in the morning, I just felt so fulfilled. I wasn't looking for something outside of myself anymore. My body wanted me to eat better, and the voice of my body got louder and guided me with such kindness and a connection that was very healing, 

When Owen and I got back together, he noticed such a difference. He knew I was OMing, and he commented on my radiance and how much more self-aware I was and grounded. He said, “Just keep doing what you’re doing!”

Empowered Presence

I used to walk around before like a talking head, feeling detached. Now, I'm very in touch with my body, and I just gave birth to my second daughter. I know how to be connected with my body. I know to listen at a deep level and know that my body is working with me. I feel wiser and more grounded in general as a woman. And it's such a beautiful feeling!

I remember walking down the street recently, and this guy was walking towards me. I looked at him. It was something I never would have done before. As he looked at me, I stared deeply into his eyes, and I felt like a queen. I felt like this powerful woman owned her body and was not afraid of her sexuality. And I realized I am now the turned-on woman I always wanted to be.

Related Stories
Being Real
by Erin
My parents taught me the attitude that said, As long as you look good, you'll feel good. If you're not happy, it's okay. Becaus... see more
7 min Read
I Love the Size & Shape of My Body
by Angelyna
Once upon a time, the word orgasm meant climax to me. That was before I was introduced to Orgasmic Meditation and understood th... see more
5 min Read
Being More Myself
by Olivia
Ten years ago, every weekend, I used to get my makeup done—full face, full lash, very glamorous—and go clubbing in London. I wa... see more
5 min Read
I Let Go of Being A Child
by Eva
I didn't feel like finding a husband and following that normal dream. Instead, after university, I quit a very secure job to go... see more
5 min Read
The Softening Of My Heart
by Jessica Rayes
I’d say that the defining characteristics of my life before I found Orgasmic Meditation were conflict and scarcity. There was a... see more
5 min Read
Like A Queen On Her Throne
by Madalyn
Like so many girls growing up Catholic, I heard my mom say that sex was bad—a lot—especially if you’re a girl who likes girls. ... see more
6 min Read
A Light About Me
by Christine
I didn't find out until late in life that I was pretty severely abused as a child by my mother and sexually abused by my grandf... see more
6 min Read
A Strong Feminine Aspect
by Mike Duffy
My whole life has always been this sort of start-stop thing. Whenever a desire was actually met, I would get really anxious and... see more
7 min Read