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A Moth to the Flame

by Chelsea Mattison

I've been highly sensitive since I was a kid. I could feel what other people were feeling, and I could actually distinguish between what was “mine” and what wasn’t. I started acting and modeling at age three. And being sensitive really helped my career. But I always felt like I had to be epic around everybody. Even though I could cry and be vulnerable around people, I didn't feel like I could really be vulnerable for myself. 

Sensitive and Guarded

Before I started OMing, I was going through the motions. I wasn't fully present in every action. I was always trying to get things done faster and not really focusing on the quality of how I was getting things done. I couldn’t tune into the nuances around me. I was also very guarded. For example, when I was acting and connecting with other actors and expressing my emotions, I was more focused on protecting myself and not showing my genuine emotions to that character. 

I came to Orgasmic Meditation through a friend on Facebook. He messaged me and said he thought that I'd be interested because I looked like a free-spirited person. And he was right! I instantly wanted to go to the training. I’d wanted to start the year with something that was completely unknown and a little scary. I also wanted to dive deeper into who I was—and that included diving into my body and my senses. So, I gave the OM training to myself as a present for my birthday.

Unveiling The Interior

My first OM was with a good platonic friend. He wanted to be there for me, and I remember he was sweating bullets and so nervous. I was actually not nervous, which was weird. I was more confused about what I needed to do. OM looks on the surface like this small act, but there is so much to the practice! And not just the physical part—there was so much we learned about our lives … who we are and what we want, and the hidden secrets that we hide from ourselves.

The first time, I really didn’t feel much of anything, and what I did feel wasn’t necessarily good. I thought there was something wrong with me because I thought I was only supposed to feel pleasure. It was actually kind of boring. And that sparked this big emotion in me. I'm the kind of person who is always trying to get to the climax of everything, finances or my relationship or sex. It's never good enough. I’m always pushing for more. That first OM showed me that I needed to let that drive go. That it was okay not to feel sometimes and okay to feel bored. It was okay not to have the answers and not to judge anything.

Orgasmic Meditation & Climax

After that first OM, I cried a lot in my OMs for a while because simply staying with the sensation wherever it took me felt like I was emptying a cup filled with stress. I'll never forget this magical OM when I did climax, and for the first time, I wasn’t pushing for it. I took the stairs, one at a time. My whole throat vibrated really hard as if my throat chakra was opening up, and I got a little loud. Throughout the day, I felt like a little star walking around. I really felt my feminine and into my magic. I had the best acting class ever that day and couldn’t help but think, “All women are goddesses.” 

As far as the practice is concerned, I struggled with the sharing frames at first. I always wanted to wow people. I wanted them to think, “Gee, that's really deep.” So, I was more focused on what I was going to say afterward than being present and listening to what they were sharing about their experience. Eventually, I learned to really listen and just share something when it came to my turn. It didn't have to be amazing, and there were no right answers. So that eased up the stress.

Impact on Communication

I got so much out of practice; I was like a moth to a flame. I started setting my alarm for five in the morning and having an OM before class every single day. And it just started off my day in such a more blissful way. I was like a little angel walking around, filled with patience for others and for myself. Even traffic didn't bother me. 

My experiences in the nest translated into communication outside of the nest. I started making more space for connections with others. I had far less judgment throughout the day. And I felt less anxious about how I was showing up in general. I still struggle with pushing for a climax in life—pushing to have my way. But now I know I'd rather just let it go, let life be, and let things flow. I’ve learned to stop pushing by focusing on the tiny little sensations connected to what’s happening and to just connect with my body and let it lead me to wherever I’m supposed to go. 

I’m not doing Orgasmic Meditation at the moment, and I know I'm not as open as I was when I was OMing. Life is like a rubber band; it just goes back to what's comfortable. And what's comfortable for me is self-protecting. The last time I really remember feeling fully open, letting people see that intimate part of me, and being vulnerable was when I was OMing regularly. But I am still okay with speaking my truth. Some people say that when you're a really good actor, you're a really good liar. But it's actually quite the opposite. Being a good actor means being in tune with your own truth and telling your truth. 

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