I Have a Spine

by Monia Pincar

I thought something about me was broken. I would drink, watch TV, take pills, do anything that might give me a peaceful, calm feeling. I didn’t feel good in my body; I didn’t want to be in it. I would use some type of sensory distraction to take myself out of just being present with my body.  I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. But I did know how to go numb. 

I was used to doing things based on obligation rather than desire. I felt like I needed to be in a committed partnership if I was going to be having pleasure. Anything outside of that made me feel guilty and shameful. My relationships felt formulaic and routine. I didn't feel close to my partners. I was mostly in my head, and it was mostly about the guy. I didn't let my needs and desires be important. I was caught in a cycle of deprivation, both inside and outside of relationship. I didn’t think I could have enjoyment just for enjoyment's sake. 

A friend invited me to an Orgasmic Meditation event and said it might help. I got to hear some experiences from people, and I related to the stories people shared. Especially this one story a woman told about how she had suppressed her desire to the point that she couldn’t even hear it anymore. She had become numb to it. The numbness, the numbing out, really resonated with me. I did a lot of things to not feel.

My first OM was incredibly profound. It took a long time for me to get into the nest, but once I got in there, I was moved. The practice just took me over. I could actually feel the sensations. I remember my whole body felt like it was being oxygenated. Like I hadn't been breathing somehow, and oxygen was entering into my body. I felt tingling across my forehead. I felt like I was melting, at times my body would stiffen, and then I would feel a softening.

The part of OM that is most significant for me is the container. It helps me drop into the present moment, feel, and connect with my partner. I feel safe knowing that the practice is goalless, that the container is non-negotiable, that I don’t have to give anything in return, other than my presence. 

I’ve made a commitment to practice OM regularly, and the principles of OM have carried over into other parts of my life. It has been an experience of learning how to soften and how to live from desire rather than obligation. I started learning how to ask for things that I actually want. And learning how to explain how I want them. For example, I can ask for my tea just the way I like it now, the same way I can ask for just the stroke I want in the nest. If I feel someone pushing too hard towards a goal in an interaction, I can say something about it. I feel like I have a backbone. The parts of me that were frozen or hard have softened, and I’m no longer leading my life based on obligation. I’m being led by desire. It turns out, that’s a much more pleasurable way to live.

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