During my time at university, I spent a lot of time fascinated with certain women, but I couldn’t take action. I fantasized about relationships with women and thought about women I wanted to interact with and connect with. But I needed courage to even talk to women, and the only way I found the courage was to drink. I vividly remember times when I would just drink until I would get confident enough. But more often than not, that didn’t work. The few times it did, my ego was just off the charts. So, the few encounters with women never ended as I’d hoped.
I’m five foot three and have red hair, so I was unpopular in school. When I was around certain men that I admired or liked or wanted their admiration, I’d pretend to be younger and defer to them. Or, if I felt I was in any way superior to them, I would switch completely and be totally dominant. Sometimes, I’d put on this cockney accent and try to be the archetypal kind of masculine frat boy. With women, I would put on this charming Lothario kind of voice and façade to be accepted. In a nutshell, I didn't think I could be myself or be found attractive and accepted by anyone.
Not surprisingly, I had a lot of performance anxiety when it came to sex. I thought I had to be sexual to be of any value to a woman. And yet, the first time I had sex with a woman—any woman—I couldn’t get it up. And because it didn't work out, I’d agree to stay the night and try again in the morning. The vibe was like, “Our love will endure, we will copulate.” Followed by, “We did it! Let's do that again and again, and oh look, we're in a relationship now.” I found myself in many relationships that I really didn’t belong in. But even so, I spent a lot of time trying to make the women happy so that I could keep them.
After college, I trained as a life coach and worked at a coach training school. I was a total professional and dressed the part, but I had no clients. I remember one particular night at a bar. I was drunk as a skunk and riled up, chasing women in my mind all night. And as I was walking home, alone – again – I realized, “This is so depressing. This is not a way to live.”
I was taking a communication course at the time, and someone in the class introduced me to OM. At first, I thought it was weird, but I went to two or three events that talked about the Orgasmic Meditation practice and was blown away by how powerful and centered the people were. They talked about OM in such a powerful way I wanted to communicate like that! So, I learned to OM, and the first time I tried it, it blew my mind. Fifteen minutes went by, and it literally felt like 30 seconds. The container didn't feel clinical in any way. I felt high as a kite afterward. That OM gave me the confident, alive feeling I would get from drinking, but in a clean and connected way.
In the earliest days of OMing, it felt like we were making music like improv jazz or sometimes a bit like a whole concerto, which was an orchestral kind of experience. It was crazy because it was just my index finger making contact with this woman, that's it. And yet I was totally present, and my body would buzz with sensation. As I started to refine my practice, there was a phase where I started overthinking my OMs. But then I relaxed again, and it was wild how much variety there was. Sometimes, it felt like rolling smooth waves. It was hot and fiery at other times, almost like a pounding sensation. And then there were times when it was just like a gentle fluttering.
After a while, it seemed like part of me had opened up to a whole new communication channel. Even with people I didn’t OM with, I would say something, or maybe we would meet, and there would just be an energy present between us that felt so knowing. It was like we were talking but without any words. I have such deep gratitude for Orgasmic Meditation. When I think about what my life would have been like now without it, I figure I would probably be working in an office job somewhere, pretending to be someone I'm not. I would be in a relationship I could never be happy in because the woman wouldn't know who I was because I couldn’t authentically be me.
Orgasmic Meditation has given me an undying reverence for the feminine. We live in such a masculine world. Sometimes, coaching is very linear and logical and all about mental meaning-making. But now, because of Orgasmic Meditation, I hardly really listen to what they're saying when I coach people. I don't really care about the story that much because I’m relying on my felt sense of them and the conversation. I watch their body communicate and feel my body, inviting them to feel theirs. This feminine form of intelligence helps people get to their truth and the heart of the matter way quicker than talking on the surface level of things.
Growing up, I probably was more feminine than I actually knew. But now I think I'm a pretty good balance of the two forces of feminine and masculine. I no longer feel like I need to pump up the masculine side. Frankly, the feminine side is one of my greatest strengths. It’s where my vitality, creativity, and intuition flow from. Whenever I feel something off, I check in about it. I ask people, and I ask myself, “How does that sound to you? How does that feel for you? Is that right for you?” I want to tune in to each moment and listen for what it wants or needs, and I also want others to do that for themselves. The feminine has so much embodied wisdom, and Orgasmic Meditation is such a massive gift of life. Today, I'm literally a free man because of it—free to be me.
