My journey with Orgasmic Meditation in my 20s helped me understand what I wanted and learn to express my desires more precisely and powerfully.
It’s not that I was a meek person before. I have always been strong and go after what I wanted. But a part of me was withheld in relationships and around men. I prioritized others, and that had the effect of muddling my desires and needs. I was impacted by my dad leaving the family when I was six. In the years that followed, two messages I learned from watching my mother were that 1) men can’t be relied on and 2) put others’ needs first. My mom never dated. Her reason was that she didn’t want me to get attached to someone that I would eventually have to say goodbye to. She prioritized my perceived needs above her happiness because she thought it was the right thing to do. I grew up thinking that I should act that way, too.
I grew up in Colorado and spent my early adulthood in a small mountain town. One spring, I visited a friend on the West Coast, and she had started a journey of self-discovery. She hesitated to let me in on it, but I was very curious. I kept on poking at it to find out more. She was the one who introduced me to Orgasmic Meditation (OM). I had a few OM experiences through her and met several people who practiced regularly. In those early OMs, I remember feeling a warm, tingly sensation. I also felt very safe and had never felt that way with a man. What drew me most to Orgasmic Meditation were the people. They were so honest in how they communicated and related to each other. The conversations I had with them differed from those I’d been having in Colorado.
Back home, I went through a bad breakup that left me pretty heartbroken. Although I had local friends who helped me, I couldn’t fully express and communicate what I was going through. When I reached out to my OM friends, I had the most nourishing conversations. I knew I wanted more of that deep friendship and intimacy with others. Eventually, I moved to San Francisco and started practicing Orgasmic Meditation regularly. The people I was hanging around with sensed that I wasn’t being true to what I wanted. They asked me, “What are you doing here? What are your desires for your life?” They were not shy about calling me out on my stuff and encouraging me to explore it.
While OMing, I was challenged to understand my desire and capacity for sensation better. I struggled to adjust my strokers when something felt off. They would say, “How would you like the stroke?” and I would say, “I don’t know.” It almost reached the point where I was exhausted and wanted to give up. Those experiences were frustrating, but they taught me to probe deeper into what I wanted. I started to get into conversation with my desire. I needed to be specific about my needs in OM, which translated into other parts of my life, including my relationships.
Before Orgasmic Meditation, I would keep my needs inside as long as I could—and then they’d inevitably brim over and blow up. For example, my former boyfriend told me he wanted to go to a huge, weeklong event without me. I was hurt, but I tried to accept it. Days later, I asked again if I could go with him, and he said no. I was holding a bowl of fresh salad I had just made for him—like a metaphor for the beautiful life I had worked hard to create for us—and threw it on the floor. He didn’t even say anything when it shattered. He just looked at me and started cleaning up the mess.
In the relationships I formed post-Orgasmic Meditation, I became more skilled at expressing my needs—whether it was about clarifying the boundaries of a relationship or simply giving my boyfriend a list of ingredients to get at the store. My current boyfriend is not from the U.S., so I’ve had some funny miscommunications with him about grocery shopping. I once asked him to get a squash—zucchini—and he returned with a whole pumpkin. I think it’s a great metaphor for why I must stay focused on being clear and precise in how I express my desires.
At 30 years old, I still struggle with this. But when I’m aware of it, I can identify and change the behavior. I’m in constant conversation with myself about my needs, and I know it helps my ability to communicate with others. In recent relationships, men have been surprised about how clear I am. They’re not used to meeting women with skills like that, and they find it cool.
Understanding and expressing my desires has led to a greater sense of self-approval. Before, there were parts of myself that I didn’t approve of—and now I can give those parts a ton of love. Even the part of me that doesn’t always understand my desire or feels that my desire is crazy or selfish deserves love. I’ve experienced an enormous transformation through Orgasmic Meditation (OM), and I know I wouldn’t have achieved it without the help of some incredibly beautiful people I met. Those connections were essential, and I am very grateful for them.
