I used to smoke a lot of pot as a way of self-medicating and acting out, but what I really wanted was love. I longed for a relationship that would make me feel whole. Meanwhile, my depression sucked up all the energy around me and made me feel unworthy of approaching women. The romantic relationships I managed to have did not last very long.
When a friend told me about Orgasmic Meditation, I immediately wanted to try it. I was so lonely, and I hoped I would get to know more women and have some of my emotional needs met. What happened was so different from my expectations and much more profound.
My first OM - Orgasmic Meditation was awkward because I was pretty unfamiliar with the female anatomy. I could barely remember the instructions. My OM partner guided me through the different steps and explained how to find her clitoris. Stroking took me out of my head and into my body, and I experienced a powerful energy exchange between us. Afterwards, I was euphoric.
As I went on OMing, changes happened gradually. Different partners made different kinds of connections, and I felt more comfortable with some partners than others. For a while, I had a regular OM partner, which helped me be less nervous and feel more and more sensations throughout my body. Instead of being dissociated, which is what I normally felt, I would have all these new sensations. In one Orgasmic Meditation, I experienced an explosion of love that transformed my usual state of pain and anger into passion and joy, just wanting to share myself instead of hiding.
I had at least a hundred OMs. It was like I began to inhabit the earth more, become more solid, and become more rooted. I wanted to connect with everything. I felt like I had been lit up, and this fire coursed through me. I began to feel really, really alive.
My self-image changed when I discovered I could feel such positive sensations and emotions. And they didn't come from drugs or movies but from making an intimate connection with another human being. I don't feel alone anymore, and I no longer feel there's something wrong with me.
With self-respect has come less worry about what other people think. I'm comfortable in my own skin and less preoccupied with my own story. Yet, there's an appreciation for how hard I have tried to find love in another person. The desire for love has been a thread, pulling me forward into connection, but I had been too focused on getting reciprocation from others. Now I'm more accepting of myself and know that no matter what happens, I'll still be grateful for what I have and who I am.
I also understand that care and respect are forms of love, making so many of my relationships feel rich and warm. Lately, when I think of old friends, I often give them a call. I would have been way too shy in the past, but now I believe connection and love are more important than anything. Those calls have gone pretty well.
I'm learning how to be close to a woman. It used to seem foreign to me to have such an intimate experience with someone. Now, it feels not only possible but essential. I lost relationships with women when I was in a hurry to become a couple, to fill this great void inside me. I'm much more in the moment, taking it as it comes.
Orgasmic Meditation gets you connected to your heart. They say you should follow your heart and find what is going to bring you joy. That's what I want, to have more joy, but I look at it in a different way than I did before. I used to hope for this radical shift. A week from now, I'll be so happy, and I'll have a woman I want to be with, and life will be great. But now I see how change is incremental. Things go at their own pace, which is fine. In a way, Orgasmic Meditation has taught me the lesson of being patient.
