I didn't feel like finding a husband and following that normal dream. Instead, after university, I quit a very secure job to go to a very, very insecure job abroad. I lived in New York and then Spain. I went from being an office clerk to a salesperson traveling worldwide. Instead of stability, I went for complete insecurity, figuring I’d find my stability on that path and a different kind of security. But at the time, I felt a lot of shame and guilt over not being the daughter my parents were imagining. That was a difficult time when we didn't speak to each other.
When I returned to Germany to live in Hamburg, I felt a gap within myself. I started questioning, “Who am I? What do I want?” I realized that, as much as I considered myself a rebel and enjoyed that image, I also tried hard to fit into people's lives and their image of who I was supposed to be. I saw that I hadn’t lived as my true self. I felt awkward socially, and alcohol was my way of really connecting. Without alcohol, being with others felt very torturous. I was looking for freedom. However, I thought I could only find that freedom by disconnecting from people and not having any close relationships. This illusion was easy to maintain when traveling, but when I returned to a home base, I finally saw my disconnection.
At that point, I decided to find someone to marry and have a family, and I went on a dating platform. A guy I went out with had just returned from San Francisco, and he talked about OM. The conversation made me feel very self-conscious about my body and my sexuality. I didn't feel good enough. I wasn’t perfect enough, even though, at that time, I had the skinniest body of my life. I wanted to have the perfect genitals—no hair, no blemishes—so someone could love me. I was so insecure! But this man had a different energy and kind of attention that he placed on me. I felt like I could let go in his presence rather than trying to control every moment. There was something magical going on. I felt myself softening. And I thought, “Wow! What is that?”
All the same, I was deeply uncertain about checking out OM. And then he introduced me to a woman who was also into the practice, and as she talked about OM, my entire body started vibrating, and I just knew I was going to try it. During my first few OMs, I paid attention, learning to listen to what my body was telling me—which was very hard for me at the beginning because I didn't understand having my genitals touched without any particular goal. And I was so hung up about my genitals looking right. But after a few sessions, I realized, Wow! He’s looking at my genitals, and he's not repulsed. He still smiles at me when we leave the room.” Making peace with my body was the biggest thing. The shame just fell away.
The practice was taboo, and I was initially very secretive about it. But I felt a fire inside of me again. I felt alive again. There were possibilities in my life again. OM opened the door to different worlds within me. I’d go out into the world with this secret knowledge inside. I told a friend about my OM practice, and she said, “It sounds like a parallel world!”
I used to work in a restaurant early on in my practice, and people would come up to me and say I was glowing. I feel more at ease with people and don't need to drink so much anymore to feel comfortable around others. Walking down the street, I make eye contact with people, smile and feel like there is this connection. I’m not isolated in my little bubble. I have a partner now, and I can receive him loving my body—I think that's the biggest gift OM has given me. I can be with a man who adores me, loves me, loves my body exactly the way it is. And that’s because I have accepted my body. I have started to love my body. I have accepted me.
When my parents learned about my OM practice, they were horrified. They said unkind things to me and treated me like the enemy. I kept my distance until my father had a light heart attack, and then a friend got married in my hometown, so I went back to visit. I was scared of being alone with my mother in the house. But OM has taught me I can no longer go home as a child.
I have to take responsibility and go there as the best woman I am. And that's what I did. From that day on, my parents have been very respectful. I walked through that door and did not shrink. I stood straight, staying conscious, and looked at my mother, connecting with her woman to woman. There’s so much joy in the little things that I didn't see before. The feeling of being seen as myself, the real me, has this tingling sensation and excitement that comes with that. So many feelings come with being seen and revealed at my essence, and I’m not scared of that anymore.
