Before Orgasmic Meditation, I often felt like I was performing in my relationships. I endlessly worried about the other person’s experience. I didn’t know what I wanted; if I did, I couldn’t ask for it. I felt like I didn’t deserve to ask for what I wanted. I had experienced abuse at a very young age, so for a long time, I felt like my body and my pleasure weren’t my own. Anytime a man tried to touch me, a part of me would shut down and freeze up. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. The idea that my body was unsafe felt stored in my DNA.
A good friend of mine told me about OM—Orgasmic Meditation. Although the idea sounded wild, I was inspired by how he’d changed as a man in terms of who he could be for women. I trusted him. So, I ended up feeling open to trying OM. My first OM was unnerving. Something was jarring about lying naked from the waist down with my legs butterflied open beside a person I barely knew. Odd as it was, however, I also felt safe. I reminded myself that Orgasmic Meditation is a goalless practice. We were doing this pretty confronting thing, but we were doing it with clear protocols. For the first time in my life, I felt permission to focus on my own pleasure, on what I was feeling in my own body, not whether or not the man was enjoying the experience.
The goallessness of OM—Orgasmic Meditation allowed me to notice subtle changes in my body instead of focusing on performance as I normally did. I noticed that strokes on different parts of my clitoris produced very specific effects on my body. I felt relaxed during certain types of strokes and tense during others. Making requests in my OMs allowed me to communicate this new awareness of sensation. When I first started OMing, making requests was really hard. I had to force myself to do it. I knew it was part of the practice, so I pushed myself. But it felt awkward.
Outside OM, I realized that I would ignore my needs and desires to be polite. I didn’t want to ask for too much. Orgasmic Meditation provided me with a safe place to practice this skill. To develop it like a muscle. In the beginning, my requests came out sounding like a pipsqueak. I tolerated unpleasurable sensations to avoid having to give an adjustment. It was very much part of my fabric: I believed I was not allowed to ask for what I wanted, that I just had to bear it. As I continued to OM, I was encouraged to sometimes make ten adjustments in a row to practice doing it. Just having permission to play that way made it much easier to ask.
Learning how to get specific with my communications in OM has helped me get specific with my communications with friends and at work. I always used to feel pressured by my boss. If he told me to do something, I thought I had to do it right away; If I didn’t, I was a failure and was going to be fired. Now, I can ask my boss specifically what I need in those moments. I never thought I was allowed to make any requests at work before, but now I know I can always ask for an adjustment.
It wasn’t long before I became the captain of my ship. I felt a new sense of empowerment. I get to have a say in Orgasmic Meditation about how I want to be touched, how I want to feel, and how I want to explore and experience. I feel sovereign over my own body. Now, I’m in a beautiful, loving partnership with my boyfriend, and the amount of love and intimacy I can receive from him is way beyond what was ever possible before. I’m learning how to communicate so that he can hear and receive. I’m very much flourishing in my feminine nature. The practice of Orgasmic Meditation continues to help me reaffirm that life is meant to be pleasurable and that intimacy is a human right.
