I followed society’s path in life, fulfilling everyone else’s desires about what life should look like. I got married, had a reasonably paid, reasonably low-skilled job, had kids, had a nice house, had a nice car, and went on a really nice holiday every year. I just kept ticking the boxes, figuring I would be happy when I did the next thing or the next. But I was not happy at all.
My (now ex) husband was a lot older than me and set in his ways. In addition to, or perhaps because of, our poor communication, I didn’t enjoy our intimate life together. I couldn’t climax unless I was in my head, fantasizing, and therefore not connected with him. Over time, the fantasies had to get more and more extreme and rather dark for something to push me over the edge. I wouldn’t say I liked where this was going, but I was caught in a cycle that I knew wasn’t going to change. I kept thinking, “Oh my god. Is this it?” It was just so soul-destroying.
Even so, I kept believing that my love could be enough to help us through our issues—that we could live this perfect relationship and be a really happy family. But when we tried to have children, I always lost the babies. It was like my body was saying, “No! I do not want to have children with this man!”
I've always felt that love was the answer: if you love someone, you can get through anything. Eventually I started feeling attracted to other men—there was this Italian man that really got my attention, and he helped me look at the question of divorce. But even after I was divorced, I still wanted to go back to my husband because there was still that pull of security.
After the divorce, I went to a spiritual fair in London, where there was a talk about Orgasmic Meditation (OM). The talk hit me because I had always struggled to enjoy intimacy, and I was constantly thinking, “I'm broken. I don’t work properly. Something’s wrong with me.” I thought that maybe Orgasmic Meditation would fix me. Of course, that’s not what it did at all. Instead it showed me that I didn’t need fixing and that I'm fine as I am. But wanting to be fixed and knowing that meditation would be good for me at least got me in the room that first time. After that talk, I was in a class to learn more about OM the next day.
In my first OM, the guy was absolutely petrified. I can’t say anything much happened, but I felt like I needed to keep finding out more about Orgasmic Meditation—that there was something there that would open me up and show me the things I'd been searching for. One thing that did surprise me was how light his touch was. To just receive a light stroke and focus my attention on what was happening in my body was powerful.
I was being trained to simply place my attention on a tiny little sensation. Leaning into awareness, the sensation was getting softer and softer. But that softer approach also helped me expand and be more open. Before OM, relying on a vibrator, I thought the physical approach had to be massive and heavy and the sensation so high to come to a climax. But in practice, I was learning to consistently ask myself, “How can I hold this sensation? How can I expand into this sensation?”
The OM—Orgasmic Meditation approach has great freedom to it. I don’t have to torture myself with fantasies anymore. And the practice has encouraged me to go beyond so much of the negative self-talk I had in my head, especially around relationships. It’s taught me to prioritize nourishment and recognize which parts of me are getting nourished in a relationship and which ones aren’t. OM has also gotten me out of thinking I have to tick all the “right” boxes for a relationship to be good for me.
For example, after my divorce, I developed a friendship with a man who was clear to me from the start that he was non-monogamous. And that wasn’t “right” for me. It was obvious that we loved each other, even though our relationship wasn’t sexual. Then, one day, we started kissing, and it was so nourishing I opened up to the relationship despite the monogamy issue. And that was only possible because of Orgasmic Meditation. I felt my body telling me, “There is something here.”
Today, I’m unbelievably happy with my life. I have some amazing close friendships, and my relationship with my partner mirrors the goallessness of our OM—Orgasmic Meditation practice. I’ve learned how to receive and let him do the lovely things for me that he wants to do. I no longer have that frenzy to get myself heard. I know how to be very specific about what I want and give myself permission to have that.
On the employment side, Orgasmic Meditation has given me the confidence to be my own boss. Before, I didn't want to step outside of my comfort zone and put myself at risk. I know I can make mistakes and lean into the sensation without running away.
I can do anything I want to. I have the resilience to expand into whatever feels right.
