I’ve always been tremendously independent and self-sufficient. Growing up in Los Angeles, I had a very good home life, meaning I could have anything I wanted. I had a private tutor and everything material. But my parents were also quite busy and not really present. I felt like I had to be a little adult from a very young age. My mother was a teacher and taught me to read the newspaper so that I could read it to her while she was fixing dinner after work. So, I was already reading the news when I walked into kindergarten.
My brother abused me physically, really beating me up, but my parents were too busy to deal with it and tried to ignore it. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I finally realized that it was actually up to my parents to protect me. And it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that the unaddressed abuse taught me not to feel my emotions or feel my body. My mother was big into my learning to fix my own problems. She was big into learning, period. She taught me how to cook and clean, even though we had "people "to take care of those kinds of things. She said, “The more you learn and the more independent you become, the more valuable you’ll be.”
I was very driven, and after college, I ended up working in the IT industry in technical operations as a contractor working for the NIH near Washington, DC. Not surprisingly, I threw myself into my work, eventually working on a project in New York and moving there. I just sort of fit sleep and social life into working all the time. Being successful at work and making money proved my identity and value. I would date people, but I really didn’t have time to give to a relationship. And as far as the family was concerned, I was pretty distant.
I’ve always been open sexually and always believed in open relationships because I want to be independent. I started out as a lesbian in high school and moved to being bisexual in college. None of my relationships (or job decisions, for that matter) were based on emotion. I thought emotions were just about romance. And who had time for that?
I discovered Orgasmic Meditation (OM) when I was dating someone in New York. I was intrigued when he started talking about It. I’d been into meditation since I was nineteen and knew how powerful it can be. It was like, “Oh, my God, I can learn something new, be intimate, and meditate at the same time. Wow!”
I was really surprised at the slower and lighter approach in Orgasmic Meditation, how the stroker would be barely touching my clitoris, and I would still have all these feelings. It felt as though there was a magnetic force, as though my clitoris actually wanted to reach the stroker’s finger. I was amazed at how much I felt. After OM, I’d be more relaxed, energetic, focused, and clearer. Even my thinking took on a new quality.
I learned very early in Orgasmic Meditation that if I listened to my mind, the sensations would turn down or stop. So, I learned to stay out of my head. I'm somebody who generally goes a mile a minute, or at least I used to be. I’ve been OMing for six years now, and the more that I OM, the more I can tune in with my body’s language. I’ve made some minor and major tests during my OMs. For example, if I don’t have a feeling, I practice doing the opposite of what I usually would do to see what happens. Or, if I get tingles or feel pressure or warmth or something unusual, I make a choice, and then I get feedback on whether it turns out to be the right choice or not.
The biggest test of all was when I chose to get married. I met my husband through Orgasmic Meditation practice and, at first, kept it casual. But then I got to the point where my body was telling me, “I want him.” It was an “I want to be at ease and be me” kind of want. When I'm with him, I feel very grounded, very in resonance, very calm. With other boyfriends, my body was always on the edge, and I’d have thoughts of, “How can I make the love better? What can I do for him?”
Finally, something happened, and I lost my corporate job. My husband-to-be said, “You just took a major bullet, and you’ve been driving hard for twenty years. It’s time you let go and let somebody take care of you.” And it was just suddenly so clear. This is what my body had been telling me for months. It had been saying, “When you’re around him, you feel calm, grounded, and loving. It feels like being around somebody who’s been a very old friend for a very long time.”
Now, I know that there’s knowledge beyond my mind that is reliable and almost more trustworthy than my logical mind. Orgasmic Meditation has taught me that I can trust my feelings and my body’s feelings. My body is like a truth meter. It shows me the choices to make to be more turned on by life, to be more enthusiastic and happier. And that is priceless.
