I am quite an emotional person. We're all emotional, of course. But whenever I experienced strong emotions and sensations, they could be overwhelming, and I would shut down. My whole life, every time sensations got too strong, I would simply check out.
Not surprisingly, I didn’t enjoy intimacy much. I would get turned on, but then often, something would happen, and instantly the arousal was gone. Snap! And I was like, “What's happening? What’s wrong with me?” I was also in my head, mostly busy with my partner, trying to satisfy him because I wasn't quite sure what I wanted or needed. There was a lot of insecurity and fear around not doing it right. I was always in this kind of bookkeeping mode, trying to ensure that I gave back as much as I received.
My relationship with my boyfriend was ending because we just couldn’t connect, and finally, I decided I had to start figuring out why this kept happening to me. I was in a self-development class then, and a woman there talked about Orgasmic Meditation. And hearing about lying down for 15 minutes and getting stroked without having to do anything in return was such a foreign thing for me. It really messed with my bookkeeping! But I checked it out online and then bought a book. I also read and watched OM stories that people shared. There was this one video where a woman talked about how she felt broken and how, through Orgasmic Meditation, she found out there was nothing wrong with her. I cried while watching that video, thinking, “Oh, my god, that's me.” So, I decided I had to at least try it.
During my first OM—Orgasmic Meditation, I spent most of my time in my head thinking, “Should I say something? Is this the right thing to feel?” But then there were about four seconds where I felt this heat from his finger hovering over my clitoris. I felt something! Afterward, as we sat at the table, something clicked. A warm blanket fell over me, and I felt incredibly alive. I’d never felt like that before. Of course, the session was over. However, I was intrigued by the heat I felt even after they left.
In my ninth OM, I felt the stroker’s finger and started noticing sensations I hadn't felt before. After OMing seven times in one weekend, I remember walking away from that just floating, feeling so much life and energy flowing through my system. I could hardly believe what was happening to me.
About that time, I talked with my ex-boyfriend. We were still working out stuff and were both committed to growing before the next relationship, so we didn't repeat all the stuff that we did with each other next time around. We decided to start OMing together, and the main thing that happened for me was that I started to voice my needs and ask for adjustments. When I did, my ex would get annoyed, and then I would get upset. But we were both committed, and this was exactly what we needed to work through. So we stuck it out. I found my voice and learned not to take it personally when he got triggered. I learned to say to myself, “Wait! That's his process. He gets triggered when he gets adjusted or somebody says something because he feels like a failure.” It was so healing realizing these things.
After about seven months of OMing, I still occasionally experienced a lot of sharp sensations in my clitoris, like the feeling of glass shards. I asked a teacher one time, “What's wrong with my clitoris? What's wrong with my body?” After we talked, I finally realized that there was nothing wrong with my body. I wasn't broken and stopped worrying about what was wrong with me. Instead, I focused on being with what was occurring at the moment. Rather than looking for what's wrong and wondering, “How can I fix it?” I realized, “Oh, this is what I feel right now. What's next?” I stopped disconnecting and going into my head.
Today, I walk with a different energy and space around me. I am no longer afraid of male energy and male hunger. Before Orgasmic Meditation, I was disconnected from my sacred self, so I had to demonize men and make them dangerous. Now, I am way more flirtatious and free and know how to deal with their energies and my own. I have started to own my femininity and sensuality.
And it’s not just my intimate relationships that have been affected. I am much more connected and present in my interactions with people at work. About two weeks after I started OMing, I became more relaxed in my body. And people around me started to behave differently. “Did you change your hair?” they would ask. “There’s something different about you.”
I remember that early on, in Orgasmic Meditation, I was doing an acting workshop on camera. When we would rehearse on camera at the beginning of the course, I got so nervous and worked up that I checked out. I was gone until the camera stopped. A couple of months later, the camera went on, and I felt a flood of sensations and nerves in my body. I thought, “Oh, this is just a sensation. I can be present with this during the scene.” And I was able to work with the sensation and stay connected.
All the things I have learned with Orgasmic Meditation benefit my work as a coach. I can sit with a client while they go all over the place, and I'm okay. I've been there. They can have a lot of sensation and emotion, and I know how to sit with it and let them go through that spot without tensing up and thinking, “Oh, something's wrong. I need to fix this person.” I'm perfectly fine. Things work the way they work. I have gotten really clear on that. Now, I can help others reach the same space, the same calm present moment. And that is super cool.
