A Practice of Letting Go

by Megan

When I was a kid, my mom would joke that I was ‘a brain on a stick’ because she saw the way I related to my body. I used to look at activities like sleeping and eating solely as they pertained to function: if sleeping a certain amount and eating a certain diet meant I would be successful or energetic, that’s what I’d do. I never thought about what I wanted to eat; I ate what I was taught was healthy for me, and that was that. My relationship with food wasn’t terrible, but I was hyper-aware of how food choices could affect my performance achievements, so I tried my best to always eat healthy food. 

Good Kid Syndrome

In fact, nearly every area of my life was dialed into that degree. As a child of divorced parents, I wanted to be the ‘good kid’ and comply with whatever they needed from me. I got good grades and aced my exams; I was a great daughter and an all-around responsible kid. I didn’t allow any room for anger, disagreements, or resistance, especially because I had bigger goals to accomplish. So I side-stepped or tamped down whatever emotions or desires were outside of my plans, and I kept moving forward. 

Hiding Sexuality

When I started having boyfriends and became sexually active, my mom was accepting of it, but my dad wasn’t. So I did what any ‘good’ girl would do: I tucked my sexuality away and hid that part of myself from him. In some ways, I hid it from myself, too. 

Relationship Patterns and Being a Chameleon for Acceptance

By the time I was in my early 20s, I was out of college and working in the corporate world. There was a feeling that I thought I would have had by this point, but it wasn’t there, and I didn’t know what else I needed to do to achieve it. I also noticed a pattern I had in romantic relationships around the same time: I had a tendency to contort myself to be whatever I thought my boyfriend at the time wanted me to be. Each relationship was some variation of: “Oh, you like sweet potatoes for breakfast? Then, I like sweet potatoes for breakfast, too.” Because of this, I always struggled to maintain my own interests in my own life whenever I got into a relationship. It was exhausting. I was bored. 

Being a chameleon was great for certain types of social situations, and oftentimes, it was a useful skill to have at work because I could talk to almost anyone and feel comfortable. But when it came to romantic relationships, I consistently felt like I couldn’t fully express my thoughts and feelings. My relationships seemed affectionate and happy on the surface, but inevitably, there’d be a blowup argument where I’d unleash all of my upset feelings onto a boyfriend at once. It was frustrating, but my parents had modeled that for me growing up, so what other way was there? I didn’t know.

Discovery of Orgasmic Meditation (OM)

One day, during San Francisco’s SantaCon, I was walking down the street wearing a Santa suit when I noticed some wall art that said, “Wellness meets Orgasm.” It was a sign for Orgasmic Meditation (OM). My curiosity piqued, and over the next six months, I read every article and story I could get my hands on about Orgasmic Meditation. Eventually, I got up the courage to go back to the center and learn the practice. 

Body Awareness Through OM

Once I started to practice regularly, I was able to feel more of my body, though it was subtle at first. It began as a still, small voice within me during an OM that noticed I wanted an adjustment. Once I noticed that desire and expressed it enough times, my ability to hear my desire clearly and to express it got stronger and stronger. Through asking for adjustments, I also became aware of my discomfort as a woman around having a desire, asking for it, and then having another desire on its heels—and asking for that, too. Asking for three adjustments in a row during an OM felt like a big deal, and it was.

I knew that in an OM, I could trust what my body was telling me, so I learned to trust what my body was telling me in my daily life, too. I’m not a ‘brain on a stick’ anymore. Now, when I go to eat a meal, I decide what to eat based on what I want to eat. I ask myself, “What is my body asking for?” I can hear my body’s answer to that question clear as day. In fact, all of my body signals are louder now because of Orgasmic Meditation. 

Connection, Letting Go, and Embracing Surrender

Because I was so controlling (both of others and of myself) when I first found this practice, I wanted to be able to OM alone. I didn’t want to have to rely on anyone else. But that’s not how the practice is designed. Orgasmic Meditation is something that you do in connection. It’s a way to let people in. It’s a practice of letting go, and that was the hardest part for me. 

So, while I felt empowered by learning how to notice and offer adjustments in the early years of my practice, now I am learning to surrender to what already is and enjoy it, whatever the stroke may be. I’m seeing that life can be quite enjoyable when I stop trying to make things the way I think they should be and just appreciate them the way they are. 

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